Let’s go over a few ways to put the unpleasantness behind you quickly to get back to “good.”
She Gets to Go First as You Listen Effectively
In the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey gives a powerful piece of advice: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Applying this to the fight with your girlfriend, let her go first, telling you everything that’s bothering her.
Your job is either to stay silent, or ask questions which help her bring the entire issue to the surface.
In both cases, your goal is to truly listen in order understand the exact nature of her problem.
This means you don’t interrupt her to defend yourself as she’s talking (even though she may be making accusations).
No explanations, counterattacks, or excuses.
It also means you’re not tuning her out as you plan your response in your head.
So many guys don’t actually listen in these situations; instead, they’re planning a logic-based counter-argument that almost always makes the situation worse.
Give her your full attention, listening actively to everything she says. If you say anything in response, it’s going to be a “get more information” oriented question.
“Why did you feel that way? What was I doing that led to that? How did that make you feel?”
Ask her to clarify anything that you don’t fully understand.
“Wait, you just said that when I didn’t call you at 7:00 you felt it was rude. Why? I don’t recall that we had agreed to that. Why did it bother you?”
In a sense, you’re playing the role of an archaeologist, excavating old bones in the ground. Using their brushes and tools, they remove the dirt, bit by bit, until the bones are clearly visible.
In the same way, your questions (and listening well and attentively to her answers) remove the debris around her core problem, bit by bit.
When you’re finished, you’ll clearly see the problem laid out in front of you.
Most guys will stop here, as it would seem the mystery is solved. The root problem is clear, so say “I’m sorry” and move on, right?
Not quite.
Whatever you did that caused her anger is only part of the issue. The other half of the problem is the way your action felt to her.
You have to recognize and validate this emotional component before her anger will begin to ebb.
For instance, let’s say you ask effective questions, and learn that the problem is that you spaced out, and forgot to pick up her dry cleaning after telling her you would.
That’s the specific grievance she has.
But in order to fully move beyond the fight and heal her anger at you, you must connect your screw-up to the emotion which your screw-up has caused her to feel.
So, you forgot to run the errand. What does she feel about that?
(She may or may not tell you. If she doesn’t, your job is harder because you have to do your best to empathize with how she’s feeling.)
Well, she probably feels a few things…
One, she likely feels hurt, because she interprets your lack of remembering as indicating that she’s not as important to you as she wants to be…
Two, she may feel disappointed because she wants you to be a man of integrity who does what he says, but you didn’t…
Three, she might feel stressed because maybe she was going to wear that outfit later that evening, but now she can’t and has to find a new outfit.
So, your sincere apology has to recognize both what you did, yet also include the ways in which it made her feel.
“I’m sorry I did x. I can understand how it made you feel a, b, and c. You’re important to me, so I’m going to be more intentional about not repeating this.”
If you’re rolling your eyes, I get it. To men, this can feel exhausting and like total overkill.
But do you want to resolve the issue and get back to a good place with her, or not?
You can groan and grumble, or you can do what it takes to connect with her in a sincere way that’s meaningful to her.
Your Response Must Come from a Place of Fixing, Not Winning
Too many people in relationships are more interested in winning fights than ending fights.
Think about the differences in behavior that are attached to winning versus ending.
I believe people with this “winning” orientation still view their relationship from a “you versus me” perspective, rather than an “us versus it” perspective.
If it’s “you versus me,” then someone is right and someone is wrong.
That means someone walks away from the fight feeling righteous, superior, and vindicated while the other person walks away feeling shamed, belittled, and probably resentful and misunderstood.
On the flip side, a “us versus it” mentality isn’t about who’s right or wrong. It’s about how the couple (a team) resolves “it” (a misunderstanding or disagreement) so that the couple can return to a good place.
Winning or losing doesn’t play a role in this approach.
Instead, the couple works together to identify the misunderstanding, is intentional about understanding the other person’s perspective, apologizes/forgives as appropriate, then take practical steps to avoid a future misunderstanding.
This approach is the fastest way to end problems and do so without resentment.
But what if she’s completely in the wrong? She’s blaming me for something that makes no logical sense at all? Why shouldn’t I call her out?
I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t. In fact, there are going to be times when you’re going to need to stand up for your truth and not back down. After all, your allegiance to your own integrity and inner-truth is the most important thing, always.
But, if you do call her out, just know that you might win only a Pyrrhic Victory.
This term dates back to Pyrrhus, who defeated the Romans back in 279 BC. The problem is, even though he defeated them, his own army took such massive losses that the victory itself wasn’t a sweet victory.
The term now typically refers to a situation in which you win, but your losses are actually as great (or greater) than those of the person you’ve defeated, so no side truly wins.
Let’s say you listen to your woman and realize she’s in the wrong. You could blow holes in her argument and destroy her position, resulting in a clear “win” for you.
But is it really a win?
If the situation ends with her feeling foolish, embarrassed, stupid, or whatever, will that help or hurt your relationship?
So, what do you do?
Well, do you want to fix the problem or win the fight?
As soon as you decide that, the next step is obvious.
Notice, I didn’t say the next step is “easy” because it’s not easy. When she’s pissed you off and her argument feels invalid, you’re going to want to push back and call her out.
Not doing this will require major strength – but if you decide that the relationship is more important than winning an argument, then you must use that strength.
Be the bigger person and forgive. This is part of the cost of a good relationship.
Consider it from the flip side – when you act like a jackass (and you will at times), don’t you hope she’ll cut you some slack and not rub your obvious “wrongness” in your face?
NOTE: There’s an Assignment at this point that delves into dealing with your woman’s anger, and how to get past it fast. To switch over to the main course, click here.
And if you’re having relationship issues and think one-on-one consulting with me would help, click here to learn more.
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