To submit a question, email me at Jeff@ModernDating101.com. Please proofread it and make it as concise as possible. Do not use any personal information you don't want published here in this Q&A forum.
Due to the volume of emails I receive, I don't guarantee I'll respond. Your best bet at a reply is booking Email Coaching or better yet, booking a 1-Hour Online Consulting Session.
Below, the reader's email is in bold, my reply is regular font.
---
I'm a 25-year-old guy who recently started dating a 26-year-old girl. During the first three weeks or so, she was really into me. She texted a lot and never took more than an hour to reply to one of my texts. I would get occasional “good night” and “good morning” texts, and she even brought me to a house party and introduced me to her friends, and it was obvious they’d heard of me.
All good stuff. When women are occupying the “pursuer” role, thing usually go way smoother in the courtship.
But things began changing around a month in. Her text started becoming less frequent and shorter. She also took longer to reply, and our conversations feel more surface-level.
She also cancelled a date last week because of some last-minute girls’ night to a wine bar she’s been wanting to go to (she did reschedule the date). Overall, she just seems less enthusiastic about me and us in general. It feels like I'm having to make most of the effort to keep things progressing.
I read part of your Free Course on this, and I’m guessing you’re going to say that I’m over-pursuing her. Maybe a did a little bit of that a couple weeks ago, but after I read your stuff, I pulled back and now I’m really not texting her that much. I’m usually waiting until she texts me. So, I don’t think I’m over-pursuing but she’s still not giving me all that much.
Do you think I just picked a flakey girl and that’s the problem? If I did over-pursue, do women really get that turned off that fast by interest from guys? What should I do now? We’re still seeing each other, but it’s obvious that she’s less into it.
But let’s actually not begin with you or her. Let’s start by rolling out the entire roadmap for how the average guy messes up in this first month or so of dating. See if this rings true for you at all…
For a lot of guys, they begin dating a new woman, and while they’re attracted to her, they’re not yet sold on her. So, they’re either still dating other women, or they simply don’t have any major emotional investment in this particular woman yet.
Because of this, their overall attitude toward her is a bit like “she’s cool, but whatever.” This take-it-or-leave-it indifference manifests in all sorts of ways…
The guy doesn’t call or text her all that much… when she takes a while to call or text him back, the guy doesn’t really notice or care, so he doesn’t make a big deal of her time delay… the guy takes her to the $10 local pizza spot for dinner instead of the $100 white tablecloth gourmet restaurant… he’s less restrained with what he says on dates because he’s less concerned about impressing her… because he isn’t putting her on a pedestal, he’s less inhibited about making sexual advances toward her…
There are a million examples, but you get the idea.
Now, what’s the effect of this indifference on the average woman?
Well, she feels this take-it-or-leave-it attitude, and it does a handful of things to her…
One, him not caring as much automatically makes her feel that he has plenty of options with other women, potentially more attractive options than her. This usually increases her attraction to him…
Two, him not caring as much also makes him seem to be the one who has the higher value in the relationship. After all, if he felt that she had higher value, then he would pursue her more because he knew he was getting the better end of the bargain. But with him not pursuing more, the implication is that he’s higher value. This usually increases her attraction to him…
Three, him not caring as much makes him a challenge. Consciously or not, she wants to see if she can reel him in. This usually increases her attraction to him…
Four, because so many guys do chase women in these early days of dating, his lack of chasing sets him apart as being different, unique, and mysterious. This usually increases her attraction to him…
I could keep going, but you get the point. There are a million benefits to a guy maintaining an aura of indifference in those early weeks/months. The bottom line is that women tend to be more attracted to a guy whose feelings aren’t 100% obvious.
But as the weeks pass, things begin to change for the guy. He starts liking her more and more.
And what happens?
His behavior and mindset toward her change.
Behaviorally, he begins being nicer to her… making her more of a priority… dropping other activities to spend time with her… being more conscious of what he says so that he doesn’t offend her… spending more time and money on her… calling and texting her more… being more lovey-dovey on dates…
Mentally, he begins noticing when she takes longer to respond to him – and it bothers him… he begins wondering what she’s doing on girl’s night – and it bothers him… he wonders how many others guys she might be seeing – and it bothers him… he starts noticing little ways in which she’s acting differently, or less affectionate, or less responsive, whatever – and it bothers him…
She begins picking up on all of this, and what’s the effect?
One, instead of her chasing after him, she now feels him chasing after her. And if he’s chasing her, then what does that mean about who’s higher value in the relationship? Minus one point for her attraction…
Two, with her feeling that all this guy’s time and effort is being focused on her, it makes it seem like she’s already won him. The chase is over, she’s gotten him. Done and done. Minus another point for her attraction…
Three, as she feels his new insecurity about where he stands with her, and his efforts to impress/please her, that makes him come across as less sturdy, solid, and masculine. This new weakness is a big turnoff. Minus about five points for her attraction…
Here again, I could go on, but you get the idea.
So, does this mirror your own progression during that first month at all?
I'm betting there's a fair amount overlap. After all, you wrote "It feels like I'm having to make most of the effort to keep things progressing."
You might as well have written "I'm now doing the vast majority of the pursuing to keep things progressing."
And by the way, you mentioned that “not texting that much” means you’re no longer over-pursuing.
Man, there are a million ways you can over-pursue beyond texting her too much…
- Your texts are longer than hers
- Your texts are significantly warmer in tone than hers
- You compliment her way more often than she compliments you
- You try to hold her hand or put your arm around her before she’s given you a sign that she’s wanting it
- You keep your calendar open to accommodate her in case she’s free for a date
- You cancel preexisting plans to hang out with her if she becomes available
- You pay for everything, all the time
- You over-laugh at her jokes
- You reference you and her on dates off in the future
- You subtly (or not so subtly) pry for information about how she feels about you
- You're way more touchy/feely/kissy than she is
- Overall, you just give her too much certainty that you’re into her
Did you do any of that?
I’m betting you did.
Now, to answer your question, no, I don’t think this girl sounds more flakey than usual. She could be, but with the information you’ve given me, that’s not my first thought.
The more likely option is that your emotions got engaged, your behaviors/mindset changed, you began over-pursuing, and now you’re dealing with the impact of her lowered attraction.
The good news is that her attraction hasn’t fallen to the point where she’s ghosted you or given you the “let’s be friends” speech. But if you don’t change things fast, I suspect that’s where you’ll end up.
So, what do you do?
Well, it’s in the Free Course, but you pull back immediately – on everything (see the list above again).
Women need space away from a man for their attraction to grow. They need the room to miss a guy. But how can a woman miss a guy when he never leaves? And this means both physically and emotionally.
So, pull back. I’m not saying “be cold.” But just be less available, and less obvious about how much you like her. Remember, a woman is more attracted to a guy that she can’t quite read. At least in these early days of dating, that is.
I would revert to asking her out one time per week unless she’s reaching out to you in between then. If she reaches out to you, assume she wants to see you. Set up an airtight date, then get off your phone until the actual date.
When the date comes, keep things playful… Tease her... Don’t let her know everything about what you’ve done all week… Be mysterious… Don’t be afraid to let her wonder if you’ve been going on other dates… Don’t plan your next date with her on that current date... Escalate things physically (when and where appropriate) … don’t screen your words in an effort to be nice – instead, be authentic…
When the date is over, go back to waiting a week before asking her out again. If she reaches out to you before a week has passed, ask her out and repeat the entire process all over again.
Overall, back away in order to create enough emotional space to give her the room to begin chasing you again.
Keep this in mind: In any relationship, one person likes the other person more. It’s practically impossible for both people to like each other equally.
Most women would prefer to be head-over-heels about their guy rather than the guy be head-over-heels about them. They may not say this, but it’s true.
And it’s true because it’s way more fun to be head-over-heels about someone. That’s when you have butterflies, you think about them all the time, you draw hearts around their name on your notebook…
When you’re the person who’s less head-over-heels, it’s not as thrilling emotionally. And do you know what women like?
Thrilling emotions.
So, even though women like the IDEA of being the object of a man’s infatuation and pursuit, the reality is the emotions that they get as the pursuer…as the one who’s head-over-heels…makes everything far more enjoyable for them.
Give her that opportunity!
Stop chasing. You’re robbing her of emotions she wants to have.
Keep going in the Free Course. Go to the section on The Minefield. Especially the concept of “Mirror Minus One.” There’s a ton of content that relates directly to what you’re dealing with.
Bottom line: She’s pulling back because you pushed too far, too fast. So, stop. Back away. Create space.
Her attraction will begin growing again after she begins wondering about you thanks to your absence and distance… that will make her begin wondering if you’ve stopped liking her… that will raise her curiosity and uncertainty about you… and that will result in her reaching out to you in order to ease her uncertainty about where she stands with you...
When she reaches out, be warm and glad to hear from her. But don’t give her so much certainty about your interest level that it kills all her uncertainty and newfound interest.
Make sense?
Schedule a 1x1 consulting session if you want to get into more details about specifics relative to you and her.
Jeff
Comentarios