We’re going to break down approaching women into six categories and an appendix:
"No Risk" Approach
Indirect Approach
The “The Friendly Guy” Approach
Direct Approach with a Compliment
The “Spontaneous” Approach
Approaching Groups
Appendix: When Compliments Don't Work, Plus When to Use the Approach Styles
Now, if you think about it, approaching a woman, and that very first thing you say to her – it’s not that hard.
You could literally walk up to a woman and just say “Hi, I’m Fred” and you would have successfully approached her.
What throws guys is what comes after approaching her.
After “Hi, I’m Fred” you’re suddenly standing there next to a woman who’s a complete stranger.
What do you talk about? What do you say? How do you turn this stranger into someone who is attracted to you?
That’s the challenge – and we’re going to talk about all that stuff in more detail later.
But for now, so we cover all our bases, we’re going to chat about just the approach itself.
So, we’ll keep it to that, and then move on to the actual conversation in a later module.
Let’s begin with the “No Risk” method.
Think of it as simply giving a woman a gift with no expectation of anything in return.
In this case, you’re going to be giving her the gift of a compliment.
But just to head it off ahead of time – this isn’t a boring, cliché compliment that she’s not going to value at all. The kind like “you’re hot” or “you have pretty eyes.”
It’s different than that.
A few years ago, I was walking through a bar slightly behind a friend of mine.
As we passed two women, he looks at one of them and said something like, “Now, that is great look! Eye color matching the earrings, matching the purse. Most fashionable girl in the bar right here! Well done.”
He then gave her a high-five as he walked past her.
Because I was trailing him, I was directly next to this woman when she turned to her friend and goes, “I love that guy!”
Now, here’s the thing: My buddy had a serious girlfriend at that time. He didn’t give this compliment to hit on her. It was just a gift, with nothing expected in return.
And it totally made her evening.
Later that night, I saw her glancing at my buddy several times…basically begging him to come back over and talk to her.
This is the starting point of the no-risk approach: Find something about the woman that you can compliment in a sincere way.
But not all compliments are created equal. Two broad guidelines:
Find Something Other than Her General Looks
Especially if you’re in a bar setting, try to find something other than her looks to compliment.
You probably know the reason why, but let’s be clear - attractive women are barraged with generic compliments that basically reduce to “you’re beautiful.”
She knows this. In fact, she’s known it since she was about 12.
She’s heard this bland compliment so much over years that it has practically no value.
I once dated a very attractive news reporter who told me this directly.
She said when she’s at a club and guys come up and say “You’re so beautiful” it means nothing to her cause she’s heard it a million times.
In fact, she said a generic compliment makes her immediately lump the guy into her “not interested” group because he approached her in the same way as everyone else.
The next reason to avoid a generic looks compliment is because it’s not really a “win” for her.
Think of it this way…
What did she do to deserve the “you’re really pretty” compliment besides put on makeup and go to the gym some?
Nothing.
Her parents gave her those good looks through genetics.
So, when you say “you’re hot” (and she’s hearing it for the millionth time), it just doesn’t carry any emotional weight for her.
It’s not personal. It doesn’t make her feel validated in a unique way.
Compare the generic “you’re hot” compliment to what my buddy did, which was to compliment her style and the way she put her outfit together.
That was something she did, that actually warranted a compliment.
So, guideline one – move beyond generic, broad compliments and look for something she’s responsible for.
If You Are Going to Compliment Her Looks, Make It Specific and Sincere
You will get a lot more mileage out of a compliment about a woman’s appearance if it’s very specific and she can feel that you really mean it (rather than slinging it to 20 other girls that same night).
So, trade out “You’re gorgeous” for something like “Wow, you have the most amazing wavy hair. It’s like I just walked into a shampoo commercial.”
Your sincerity is a huge part of whether this type of compliment will elicit a positive response from her.
So, if you don’t truly mean the compliment, and aren’t offering it with no-strings-attached, don’t give it.
Women have way more emotional intelligence than we do. They pick up on subtle signals we often overlook.
If you’re offering a generic, hollow compliment to a woman, hoping it will get you a phone number, or a kiss or whatever, she’s going to feel the underlying attempt at manipulation.
And that’s really what it is. You’re not truly giving a gift – you’re actually trying to “push a lever,” or “press a button,” or do whatever is needed to get the result you want.
That’s pretty much the definition of “manipulation,” and women will sense it. So, do both of you a favor, and don’t go this route.
With all this in mind, let’s return to the No Risk Approach.
You see her headed your way in the bar.
You get creative and come up with a quality, original compliment. Let’s say it’s about her hair and her outfit.
As you walk by her, make strong eye contact, flash a little smile, then give her your compliment in a slow, confident voice. Remember – the “how” is more important than the “what.”
After that, pause for just the slightest of moments, then continue walking on.
Now, here’s the thing: When you give her that pause, she might thank you for the compliment and start a conversation with you.
If so, great – engage with her. She’s doing the work for you.
But if not, if she just looks at you and doesn’t respond, who cares?
Did you ask her for anything? No.
Did you hit on her? No.
You simply gave her the gift of a compliment and then continued on your way.
And so, if you didn’t ask anything of her, then there’s nothing from you for her to reject.
It’s zero risk.
And guess what? When you walk on, making no effort to hit on her, there’s a good chance it will pique her curiosity.
Why didn’t that guy try to hit on me? He complimented me, so why didn’t he stop to talk more? Does he have a girlfriend?
The more you can get her thinking thoughts such as these, the greater the likelihood she’ll find a way to start a conversation with you at some point.
Women are intrigued by a guy whose feelings for her aren’t clear.
So, think of that as Round 1, but we’re not done yet. The No Risk Approach has at least 3 rounds.
Quick question – is a woman more likely to accept a date from a total stranger or from a guy she met once at a friend’s party?
Obviously, the guy she met at the party.
You know why – having met him, she has some sense of him. She kind of knows who she’s getting.
But the total stranger? That guy could be a serial killer.
In a bar setting, you go from being the “unknown-serial-killer-stranger” to the “guy-she-kind-of-knows” by sharing a handful of these brief encounters.
And with each encounter, you build just slightly on the last one. You’re basically getting her comfortable with you in small, easy steps.
Round 2…
You just complimented the woman for the first time and walked on. After that, you focused on your buddies, had more laughs, you were the center of attention, and hopefully, you gave out a few more of these passing compliments to other women in the bar.
And no, it won’t hurt you if the first woman sees you talking with new women.
In fact, it will help you because it will strengthen the first woman’s impression of you that you’re an in-demand guy that other women find attractive. This will increase your value in her eyes.
Now, it’s thirty minutes later and you notice you’re about to pass the first woman again as you walk to the bathroom or whatever.
This time, call back your original compliment, then add something new – maybe some humor thrown in.
So, your first compliment was about her hair and her outfit. This time, make a fun, innocent comment that refers back to that compliment – “There she is – the most fashionable girl in the bar!”
Maybe borrow my buddy’s move and offer her a high-five as you’re walking past.
But this time, add something new. My suggestion is a small tease.
For instance, pretend to grow serious and tack on, “But you really need to stop stalking me like this or I’ll have to get you thrown out.”
Now, that’s not comedy gold. But it’s playful, and playful is important to women.
It also has an important subtext: She should stop stalking you.
Now, obviously she’s not stalking you, but the comment gives her the impression that you’re confident in yourself, see yourself as having value, and you’re just fun, bantering with her.
It’s your job to give her clues as to how to treat you.
So, when you say stuff like this that suggests you feel good about yourself and you have value, it tips her off that she should probably err on the side of treating you as a valuable guy.
Think about that compared to the guy who says, “Geeze, you’re so pretty, I can’t believe you’re even talking to me.”
That’s a totally different message. It says “I’m beneath you.”
The hypergamous nature of women makes them want to date “up” not down.
So, position yourself as being valuable.
Understand this: It is your responsibility to frame the encounter in a way that reflects well on you. Don’t leave that up to chance.
Okay, back to "No Risk" …
So, you just teased her a bit in Round 2. What then?
Same as before – smile, slow down for just the slightest of seconds, giving her a chance to engage you, but then move on.
Once again, you asked for nothing, so you risked nothing.
Round 3…
By Round 3, you’re no longer a stranger.
You’ve had two exchanges with her in which you’ve asked nothing from her and haven’t hit on her, but instead, have just complimented her and (hopefully) made her laugh or smile.
So, in Round 3, even though I call it “No Risk,” we’re going to take a small risk.
Ask her a question.
But to make it easy, make the question about whatever it is you’ve been complimenting.
Keep it playful, like…
“There’s the Fashion Diva! Okay, so what’s going on with this outfit? Are you a fashion student or is this just your super power?”
Now, if you’re rolling your eyes, I get it.
But remember, the “how” is way more important than the “what.”
You don’t need to be Dave Chappelle – it’s just about being light and easy.
And if you have a different style of humor, great, use it.
For instance, you could tease her, saying you think it must have taken her two hours to get ready to go out.
Then flip it by saying how picking out your T-shirt and jeans took you three hours because you’re incredibly high maintence.
You’re just being fun. All you’re doing is cracking open the door to a conversation.
But if you give these fly-by compliments to several women in the first hour or so of being at a bar, then you start making additional rounds, odds are that at least one of these women is going to engage you in a conversation.
Other women will notice this conversation...
That’s going to make you appear in demand…
That’s going to give you what’s referred to as “social proof” (proof that other women find you attractive) …
That’s going to make other women more interested in chatting you up to find out what’s so great about you…
And all this because you gave out a few “No Risk” compliments – which, by the way, if nothing else comes of it, made several women’s nights much better.
And that brings us full circle…
Remember, your primary motivation in giving these compliments is just to give a gift. It’s not to get something “from her.”
When you can truly adopt that selfless mindset and don’t care about the outcome, then you win regardless of what happens next.
The irony is that when women sense that you aren’t tied to the outcome and don’t really care, that’s when they want you the most.
NOTE: At this point in the full course, there’s an assignment that helps you develop your observational skills which will help you immensely with the “No Risk” approach. To switch over to the full version, click here.
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