Why you can’t change them

Why you can’t expect them to change.

We can point out all the damaging aspects of a person and lay it all out to show exactly what it would mean if they were to do things differently if they were to release bad habits or change their perspective on life.

We can show them how much life would improve once these changes take place. We can give them a vivid and realistic visualization of what it would look like.

We can wait around and wish for them to change. Patiently tapping our foot, arms crossed over our chest with a look of ____ on our face. We can give them all the tools they would ever need to be successful. We can take these tools and place them directly in their hands with the most detailed instructions ever. We can support them in every way humanly possible. We can be their biggest cheerleader.

We can point out all the great things they would be capable of if they were to just…


How many of us are guilty of this?

*raises hand*

I know. It’s ok. A lot of us have the desire to make people better. To help them see and uncover the best version of themselves. As a healer, coach, empath… woman, it is in our nature to want to heal, coach and nurture, but at the end of the day, if the person we are trying to heal or coach does not feel a need for assistance or see an issue with who they are or what they are doing, they won’t change. Period.

If they don’t see a problem with their actions or how their actions affect those around them, they won’t see or understand a need for change.

Plus, why should they. Did they ask for assistance? Did they hire you as their coach? Did they explicitly let you know that they are ready to take action and make changes? Did you have that conversation with them prior to picking them apart and telling them how they could be so great if only they just…

Change comes from within. It cannot be forced or pushed and coerced in any way. We can suggest, encourage, support and love, but any kind of push will inevitably lead them to do the opposite and they will most likely resent you and push back because of it.

We come into these discoveries on our own time and at different levels. We all have different perspectives, feelings and emotions attached to life and outcome. Some of us are more awakened than others and we can view the world differently. We feel things differently, we see 5 steps ahead, we understand the importance of evolution, change and growth. We understand what it means to uncover the good inside.

Not everyone has this ability. Not everyone wants it. Not everyone cares.

Why it’s important to meet people where they are in life

When we are seeking a partner in life, be it romantic or otherwise, we need to meet them where they are at this exact moment and not who or what we think they COULD be and we need to HONOUR that.

Showing up for life is hard. Uncovering your truth is a challenge. Becoming a better person can be a lifelong battle. We’ve been programmed to be a certain way all our lives. Change, although inevitable, is not something everyone eases into gracefully or even willingly. Evolution is a journey that not everyone is equipped to take on at any given moment. Evolution and change takes time, planning and a lot of gusto!

When we invite someone into our lives, we need to love them as they are right now and not what we feel they could be. We all have potential. We all see it differently. While we may look at someone and think, omg you could be so amazing if you just did THIS… but if the other person doesn’t want ‘this’ you need to respect that, let it go and let them do their thing. If it is something that they are bound to do or be or grow into, then they will come into it on their own terms.

See, the thing is, I know I have a lot of potential and I can do great things, but if I have someone breathing down my neck constantly telling me I should do things their way instead, chances are I’m just going to shut down and block them out. Most people don’t like being told what to do. They don’t like being judged or feeling like they are being judged. They don’t want to feel inadequate or not good enough. They want to feel confident and supported, they’re not going to feel that way if they feel they need to change to appease you or live up to something you’re expecting of them, especially if it’s not something they wholeheartedly want themselves.

Someone may tell you that they will change because they understand that they are hurting you or themselves or they are able to see the vision you’ve laid out for them, but they will never actually follow through with it because they’re only doing it to make you happy. They may agree, but if it’s not them initiating it, they’re not going to stick to it. They are going to give it a shot and try it out, but chances are they are going to realize that changing who they are for the sake of pleasing someone else is not what they want. Nor should they. Nobody should have to change who they are to appease someone else.

Nobody should have to change who they are or feel bad about who they are to make someone else happy.

That being said, if you are an asshole, or if you are mean, malicious and/or cruel then you probably should think about changing, but you need to understand why that’s important and start the process yourself.

I know many people who are assholes simply because they enjoy being assholes. I’m not sure if it’s a validation thing or a control issue, but it’s very prevalent in our society. I believe some people choose to treat people poorly because they feel it will make them appear more powerful and superior. They choose to put people down, talk down to them, take advantage of them and/or make them feel small for the simple fact that it will make them feel better about themselves. You can call them out on it and let them know what they are doing, but chances are they have deeper psychological issues that need to be addressed before they will actually understand the importance of changing their behavior.

We can plant the seeds, but it’s up to them to water their own fields.

Be the type of person that makes those around you want to uncover the best versions of themselves but do it lovingly, respectfully and from the heart.

Keep these things in mind:

  • It is not your job to change people.
  • It is not your job to fix people. You can show up for them, but it’s their responsibility to take action.
  • You do not need to provide them with all the equipment and tools they will need to succeed. You can help guide them but having them find those tools on their own is important.
  • You cannot make these changes for them. They must do it all on their own.
  • You cannot rush, force or push the process. If they come to you for help, just be there for them and keep shining light on the good. Be their cheerleader and loving supporter.
  • What works for you may not work for everyone, so be patient, kind, compassionate and caring in this journey.
  • Change does not happen overnight. It can be a long process and any attempt to force it will most likely backfire and slow the process even more. It’s all trial and error. If something doesn’t work, take a few steps back, analyze the situation and try a different route. You can always go back to the analyzing stage. Never be afraid to start over.
  • Remember, there is always help out there for those who are truly ready for it. Coaches and mentors can be found everywhere. The important thing to do is find someone you resonate with and go from there.

Feel free to contact me if you’d like an opportunity to discuss how you would like to make adjustments in your life.

1 thought on “Why you can’t change them”

  1. Protect yourself (from emotional abuse), but after sharing what you’d like in a person, let them be. When they can appreciate why they need to change to improve their own lives, they will ask for your help. Any thing other than that is nagging. Thanks for sharing.

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