If I had a checklist for what I was looking for in a partner, he would have nailed almost all of them. Granted, there were a couple missing, but hey… perfection is not what I’m going for here, however; compatibility, attraction, love, and mutual respect is. I know I am not perfect, I don’t expect my ideal match to be either. In all honesty, if you’re still dating or starting to date in your 30’s and up, your checklist pretty much goes right out the window. Providing they are not a hardcore criminal, they are gainfully employed, and they are not living in their parents’ basement (although this one often gets tossed too lol), they be looking like decent options!
I laid in bed next to him after a wonderful few weeks of seeing each other. Feelings were definitely flowing and things were going well. We had just spent a great night together, he was sound asleep beside me when my anxiety-induced insomnia hit me and I laid awake for hours staring at the ceiling trying to make sense of my thoughts….
Conscious: Hello, hiiiii. What the fuck are you doing?! Do you really think you are ready to settle down and spend the rest of your life with this guy? Do you realize how much of a shit show your life currently is? Do you really want to share your house with someone again? Do I need to remind you of how things went on previous occasions? You’ve got a pretty shitty track record here, Shee. Here, let me show you.
Me: no, please don’t.
Conscious: *flashes through all failed relationships over the past 7 years*
Me: Thanks. But really, I feel like I am ready to settle down. I want a life partner.
Conscious: Mmmhmm. Do you though?
Me: What the hell am I doing?!
Does anyone else feel that they are better on their own? Like honestly and truly a stronger, more stable person riding solo? I’ve been saying this for a few years now, and I am reminded of it every time I make an attempt at a relationship. It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed my heart to become emotionally vested in another human being aside from my children (and if you’ve followed my blog long enough, you know how that turned out). I’ve been open to relationships in the past, but I honestly allowed myself to become complacent, settling into something I really had no business settling into because I felt like it was something I was supposed to do, or because I felt that if I didn’t lock myself down I’d end up an old spinster, destined to live a life of loneliness, but filled with cats!
Let’s be real here, I’m ridiculously independent. Like, realllly fucking independent. I’ve been handling my business all on my own for a long time now. The thought of having someone come along and start messing with my shit really sets my anxiety into hyper-drive.
I don’t think of myself of controlling, but … don’t touch that. Or that. Or that. annnnd I’m done.
Every time I mention to someone that I feel like I am a better woman on my own, I am greeted with the same thing,
“You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“You will meet someone soon.”
“Mr. Right will come when you least expect him.”
First of all, what if it’s a “her” that’s going to come along and sweep me off my feet. Quite frankly, after the experiences I’ve had, I’m definitely not opposed to the idea of a “her.” I’m telling you, the fact that I still have ANY sort of interest in men is proof that sexuality is not a choice. smh.
Second of all, whether I meet he/she at all is not even a big deal to me. At least, I don’t think it is.
Listen, I understand and appreciate the whole coupley-relationship dynamic, but in the sake of honesty, I can get all the good stuff of a relationship by spending time with my besties, or by myself (which I also have no problem doing *table for 1, please!*), all with far less drama (and talking), annnnd on top of all that, I can handle my own biizness too, if you know what I mean. Plus, I know when I am doing it myself I won’t ever be disappointed, so there’s that. No training (or shaving!) required!
I’ve done a lot of reflecting on this lately because I thought for sure that I was ready to slow down, commit and settle into a loving partnership. I’ve done a lot of healing and self-reflection over the last few years, I’ve felt like this is the one missing puzzle piece. After all, this is the societal norm – fall in love, get married, pop out a couple of kids, live happily ever after. Right? I know I messed up the order of that ages ago, but there was still hope for me, right?!
But then the possibility of a loving, caring relationship with an awesome man fell into my lap and I tossed it away like a hot potato.
As soon as the feelings really started to creep in on me, I freaked out, panicked and fucking ran.
I want to be loved and cared for, but you know… like a cat. I want it done from a distance and on my own terms.
Literally this… feed me tacos, tell me I’m pretty, give me orgasms (I will return the favour), but then go home and leave me the fuck alone. Simple, right?
You’d think that would be an easy thing to find in today’s commitment-phobe society, but it really isn’t.
We’re all apparently looking for the same things, but can’t agree on it, so one of us is clearly lying and I know for a fact that it isn’t me! I’ll straight up tell you what I want, I’m not even playing anymore. I literally come with an instruction manual…
Why am I so fearful?
I’ve put myself into some really shitty situations, aka. “relationships,” with men that I have had no business being with. My daddy issues and codependency disorder gives me a strong desire to feel loved and cared for, but my independent nature only wants it on my terms. By true Leo nature, give me all the attention, but admire me from afar.
Being crazy is hard. The struggle most certainly is real. I’m not even sorry though.
The bad, the worse, and the ugly.
- Settling down has meant that I had to put a lot of my own interests on the back burner.
- Settling down meant that I had to take care of and mother yet another person.
- Settling down meant that my mental, physical and emotional needs were put aside for yet another human being (one who required more care and attention than I did, or my kids for that matter)
- Settling down meant giving my ALL to another person only to be manipulated and abused, taken advantage of and lied to.
- Settling down meant I had to leave part of myself behind to create space for this other person in my life. I had to sacrifice a part of myself, but it was always one-sided.
- Settling down meant that I had to continuously explain why my kids came first (<- dude, if your girl needs to explain this to you, you are a monumental fucking moron. NOBODY and I mean nobody comes before her kids… not even her. Suck it up and stop being such a baby or go date someone who doesn’t have kids aka priorities), or why I valued my alone time so much, or why I NEEDED to get out with my girlfriends as often as I did.
- Settling down meant I had to ask permission for things that, at any other time in my life, were a given.
- Settling down meant going to yoga class to de-fucking-stress only to be inundated with phone calls and text messages about when I would be home.
Settling down meant:
My own interests went wayward.
My alone-time simply vanished.
My house was taken over by someone other than my children.
My responsibilities were compacted and had grown because I had allowed another human being, unable to fully care for themselves, into my home and into my life.
BOUNDARIES MOTHERFUCKER – Learn them!! *I scream to myself*
I don’t want this. Nobody wants this. This is bullshit and if this is what settling down means, I don’t want anything to do with it, and honestly, neither should you.
I know not all relationships are like this.
I understand that there are women who exhibit the same characteristics as what I’ve outlined here (because, to clarify, I have been exclusively referring to the MALE counterparts I’ve had in my life)
I knooowwww that there are men out there that do not want to keep their partner on a leash, or who understand that just like them, their partners have wants, needs, and desires and are human too!
I’m sure there are men out there that would make incredible lovers for this strong Leo lady.
I get that, I’ve just yet to find it.
Someone enlighten me and restore my faith in love, or my ability to love and be loved.