Why I chose to remove myself from the (SEEKING aspect of) dating game.
I hate dating. Like H.A.T.E. it. The uncertainty, the games, the lies people tell, everything. It’s all bullshit.
I have anxiety. I get weirded out over random things. I clam up. I opt out of get togethers due to anxious feelings. It’s just part of makes me, me.
Meeting new people is hard for me because I just really don’t enjoy meeting new people. I love people, but I don’t like being around them. Make sense? When you’re dating, you are putting yourself in front of a stranger, knowing full well that you are judging and rating each other for the purpose of determining compatibility. Plus, you never know what you are walking into. Were you catfished? Were their pictures recent or from like 10 years ago? Have you been lied to? Are they married? Are they going to be an asshole? Are you going to get abducted and murdered?
It’s intimidating. I don’t like it. The only thing that has kept me in the game up to this point is the fact that I am addicted to the feeling of being wanted. Ouch.
Need for validation. Need for approval. The need to be wanted – hello Daddy issues! Haha I will write more on that one soon.
Problem No. 1: When I get into a relationship and I start caring for someone– hell I don’t even have to be IN a relationship to care about someone. My natural instinct is to just LOVE – I give so much of myself that I lose myself in the process.
Problem No. 2: I have a bad habit of attracting narcissist and liars. My big heart can’t handle the lies and the abuse. I’m too trusting, too accepting and I can’t get over the belief that there is good in everyone – I have learned that there isn’t. Some people are just horrible, shitty human beings. That’s a fact.
I have the innate ability to pick up on the energy and intentions of those around me. This is both a blessing and a curse, but with practice I am learning to manage not only dealing with my own emotions, but the emotions and feelings of everyone around me too.
“I match your energy, so go ahead and let me know how we are going to feel about all of this.”
As an empathic and highly sensitive person, I should be more aware of the intention of others and normally I am, but over time and with experience through many bad encounters with ill intended men, I’ve learned that while I can pickup on and match the energy of crowds and those around me, when it comes to people I am attracted to, my spidey sense gets all discombobulated and goes right out the window – this is a HUGE character flaw that I am very diligently working on.
I am a naturally kind, caring and compassionate human being, so narcissistic men and people that require a little extra bit of healing are drawn to me like a moth to a flame. Like a beacon of hope, they flock to me. As a natural healer, it is my instinct to want to help and heal them. Without noticing, my soft, caring heart opens up to them, they open up to me and the destruction begins. Or I notice my heart opening and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
The Boiling Frog.
When boiling a frog (not sure why you’d want to, but it’s an analogy, so bear with me), if you start the boil and try to throw the frog in the water, the frog is just going to jump out. If you put the frog in the pot while the water heats up, it won’t notice what’s happening until it’s too late – this is a PRIME example of how a narcissist draws in their unsuspecting victim. They warm you up, making you feel all warm and fuzzy before opening the gates of hell and allowing their destructive behaviours to tear you down. Fun.
The last couple encounters I’ve had with men have been enough to show me why it is that I need a break from them. They got progressively worse and more damaging as the year progressed. This, I believe, was the universe’s way of giving me signs and telling me to sit my ass out for a couple innings. As usual and opting for the more challenging and painful path, I chose to ignore them until I became completely defeated.
“The fact that I am still attracted to men is proof that sexuality is not a choice.”
From controlling, possessive and riddled with anger issues, to a commitment-phobe, attached to his ex, fucking crazy guy, to a pathological liar that set everything up so perfect and eloquently that I didn’t even know what was happening until it was done and I was left scratching my head.
The last one was dressed up as everything I had been asking the universe for. He was tall, dark, handsome, tattooed, bearded, we had common interests, he was intrigued by my woo woo side, he was sweet, gentle, and our energies matched and latched on to each other like craaaaazy.
He was also a complete fucking douche canoe and lied through his teeth.
He was my final straw. I called it quits after that one. He was my – throw my hands up in the air – and yell, “FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM SO DONE.”
And so I was.
After him I started questioning everything. I questioned the dedication to my spiritual practice – how could I have been so misguided. I had asked for this. I had asked for signs and I received validation about those signs, but it was all completely wrong. It broke me a little bit, I’m not going to lie. The whole experience made me question my wants and needs, but eventually led me to where I needed to be – alone, figuring my shit out. It showed me that there were still parts of me that needed healing. Parts of me that I thought were healed, but clearly were not.
I had more work to do.
Signs From The Universe.
Every day we are given signs, messages and warnings. They show up all around us. They show up as teachers in the form of experiences, different people, animals. They show up as signs in the form of numbers, sequences, more people, etc. If we are ignorant and unaware, as most of us are, they go unnoticed – and they get progressively worse and more intense as time goes on. As we open up and become more and more aware to what’s happening around us, we start to notice them.
A teacher = Attracting a certain kind of man / woman into your life or similar patterns in different relationships.
A sign = seeing numbers in sequence or asking for a sign (ex. Show me a __ if this is legit) and having the ___ present itself.
We are given these experiences / people to teach us lessons. We will continue to have these teachers delivered to us in different forms, and they will get increasingly more intense, until we acknowledge the lesson and fix / heal the parts of us that need it. For a lot of people, this process is never acknowledged, and the destructive patterns continue through their entire life. Ignorance is bliss, as they say.
I’ve been dealing with these issues and attracting toxic men into my life since I started being interested in men – like AGES ago. It all goes back to my toxic childhood and being raised by an abusive, alcoholic stepfather and having an MIA Dad. My addiction to validation and my need to feel wanted began when I felt like I had to fight for the love and attention of my Dad. Through these shitty dating experiences, I’ve learned that I need to go back and love myself more, teach myself that I am good enough, I AM enough, I am worthy of love. I must reprogram my inner child to believe that just because one man was unable to see my worth, that doesn’t mean that I am unworthy. I need to stop accepting substandard love.
“You accept the love you think you deserve.”
I haven’t reached a point in my self-love journey to willingly accept (or even ATTRACT) the love I now know I deserve, so because of that I have withdrawn my availability and taken myself off the market. In the meantime, I will date myself. I will take myself out. I will treat myself, care more about myself, FOCUS on myself. I will show myself the love, attention and affection I know that I will eventually need from a partner. This way when someone comes along and offers me anything less than what I am doing for myself, I will be wise and strong enough to say NOPE and walk away.
I’m going to learn how to love ME – exactly as I am. Perfectly imperfect.
If you walk into my life and you are not able to match or improve my current LOVE situation, I will no longer entertain the idea of a relationship. I am no longer willing to accept anything less than spectacular or a partner that doesn’t make me feel like a goddamn Goddess and treat me like a Queen.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you are struggling in relationships or you find that you are attracting people that treat you like shit, please take a step back and reevaluate your priorities. YOU are a priority and if it takes sitting in loneliness for a bit to figure out how fucking special you are, just fucking do it. It will be worth it in the long run. YOU are sooooo worth it.
Attention is not love. Love is not attention. Love is appreciation, warmth, a kind heart, a soul connection, a reflection of yourself and someone that makes you want to be a better person, not just for them, but for YOU. Love will make you feel beautiful, respected, and fill you JOY. That’s not saying that you won’t ever want to smother your partner with a pillow…
I see so many women (and men!) in the dating world or in relationships in general that are accepting far less than what they deserve. I think majority of us could use a lesson or two in self love and worthiness. What do you think?
Guys, listen up, if he / she makes you question your worth – they ain’t the one. Period.