So, I’m sitting here trying to wrap my head around the lessons I am supposed to learn in regards to the experiences I’ve had lately with men. And by lately, I’m generalizing and realize that it’s been my entire fucking life, but who’s counting. I actually wrote an article yesterday about signs, lessons and meeting the “right” people at the “wrong” time (I’ll link it here when I finish it and post it)(another note.. There are no right people at the wrong time. If it was the “wrong” time then they’re not the right people… just sayin)
You know when you get those ah-ha moments and a light bulb goes off over your head – ya, that happens. It’s like getting a pat on the back and having someone (an angel) pass you a note with your intended lesson. Sometimes the universe is gentle in its approach, sometimes they’ll beat you over the head with it. It just depends on how many times they’ve been trying to deliver the message to you and how attuned you are to what’s going on. We all have our limits after all. Patience is a quality that only extends so far, and people are stupid and prefer to remain ignorant, so don’t be surprised when messages get a little more… obvious (aka painful) over time.
My “love” note read:
“Holy shit, Sheena. Maybe this is the universe telling you to keep it in your pants.”
Huh. Well, the delivery was questionable, but the message was received.
Loneliness is a funny feeling.
I’m self-sufficient and as independent as they come. I say this all the time, but it’s so very true, I love being on my own. I truly value being alone in my house without any outside cares or concerns. I feel safe, grounded and protected – most of the time. All my things are here. My cats keep me company. It’s a good place to be.
I was crying in the shower yesterday after my first epiphany moment (*sobbing* – I don’t want to keep it in my pants anymore. I want regular and consist pants-off moments with one regular and consistent male counterpart – joking, that’s not what I was crying about, it most certainly was a thought though. Come on now *eye roll*, good women deserve good, consist D in their lives).
I found myself asking, “what is wrong with me?!” What the hell is going on? Tears? I don’t fucking cry… Unless it’s during Grey’s Anatomy, in which case it’s every single damn episode, but generally speaking, I don’t cry.
I found myself questioning my worth again.
I just didn’t understand where these HUGE feelings were coming from.
I’ve been in this state before, crying on the bathroom floor. Anxious. Sad. Depressed. Feeling alone, and wanting to isolate and drown myself in a bottle of wine… but it was after the most tragic breakup of my life, so it didn’t make sense that these feelings or LEVEL of feelings would be surfacing right now. Literally, nothing has gone wrong recently, aside from a little uncertainty in some places, my life is really, really good! I’ve prayed for years for what I have now.
Another ah-ha moment
“You have to stop thinking that loneliness or wanting a partner in life is a bad thing. It’s ok to want to share your life with someone. It’s ok to want love. It’s ok to be loved. It doesn’t make you any less independent or any less powerful of a woman. Wanting a life partner doesn’t negate your past experiences or take away from your value as an independent woman. Let them in for Christ’s sake”My Spirit Guide
I have been so independent for so long that I have conditioned myself to believe that wanting a man in my life or having the desire to share my life with someone is weak. I’ve worked very hard over the years to build my confidence levels up to where they are now. I’ve had men in my life that have very easily torn that down. I’ve started over, not from scratch but from experience, more times than I care to admit.
I don’t even know where this thought process has come from – fears of losing my independence and power by gaining a life partner. I didn’t even realize it was a thing in my brain until it was laid out in front of me.
Some of the most powerful women I know are shacked up with life partners and they’re still fucking brave, courageous and powerful. I still look up to them. The fact that they are in relationships holds ZERO bearings on who they are as a human being, nor should it! I don’t think THEY are any less amazing because they are with someone. Why would I think that having the same would be any different for me?
Because I was Made To Believe That I am Unlovable and Unworthy.
I’m a great catch, seriously. I know this about myself. Trust me when I say I know what I bring to the table and I’ve never been too concerned about sitting alone, yet I still struggle with unworthiness. I know this, but as SOON as I get attracted to someone, everything shifts and I start doubting myself.
- Not good enough.
- Not pretty enough.
- Not thin enough.
- Not successful enough.
Not. Good. Enough.
Why though, would someone who has her shit together, has goals, big dreams and aspirations and works DAILY at achieving them, knows she’s hot AF, pays her own bills, owns her own house, takes care of herself, is a great mother who has helped raise 3 incredible children, worry about not being good enough to find someone to share her life with? Why would she feel that she is unworthy to accept love and why would she continue to accept less than what she deserves?
Why would she feel it is ok to be treated poorly, used, abused, neglected, and continuously be let down and disappointed by the people she invites into her life?
Why would she allow this type of behaviour to permeate into her otherwise beautiful, loving and very well pieced together life?
I’ll tell you why…
She has experienced varying degrees of loss, trauma, and pain throughout her life. The feelings of unworthiness and being unlovable, for me, started when I was just a child and far too young to even comprehend what was happening.
I’m 36 and I am just brushing the surface on what all of this means and how it has and continues to affect each and every relationship in my life #AbandonementIssuesMuch
I have been made to feel as though I am unlovable.
I am not good enough to find a higher level of love.
I do not deserve it.
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Who do I think I am thinking that I deserve ALL THAT when I, at one point, made some bad decisions in my life or had someone tell me that I would never amount to anything, or had someone very special to me walk out of my life at a vulnerable time?
All those things from your past, the bad decisions, the poor behaviour, the assholes that made you believe you were not good enough, the abuse you were subjected or bore witness to, the people that walked out on you – all these things do not define or set limits on the amount of love you are deserving of.
You are a different person now than you were all those years ago, or even days ago, when you made those mistakes. If you feel guilt or bad about those decisions it means you are in the healing process, or ready to start the process. Make amends with the people you feel you hurt so that you can heal those wounds and move forward with your life.
Those people that told you or made you believe you were not good enough – I’ve had them too – they’re assholes. Their opinion of you means shit. It is not a reflection of who you are as a person but rather how they actually feel about themselves. Fuck them. Seriously, find a place of forgiveness in your heart and set yourself free.
Listen, I know a lot of people that cringe when I talk about forgiveness. Finding forgiveness in your heart does NOT mean you are excusing their behaviour by any stretch of the imagination, it means that you are no longer allowing the power they tried to put over you to control you any longer. This is purely for YOU, not them. You do not need to speak to them again or even acknowledge their presence. It’s allowing you to free that space in your heart and let go of the pain so that you can fill that space with love instead.
If you were abused, used, neglected, burned, bullied, cheated on… raped and taken advantage of – these moments do not make you any less lovable or deserving. You are deserving of all the love you keep giving to everyone else all the love you dream of.
All of it. Period.
Ways these types of traumas can present themselves in your life (know the signs!):
- Co-dependency issues
- Attracts emotionally unavailable people
- Trust issues
- Often feel insecure and require validation
- Not one to ask for help
- Is afraid to set boundaries
- Struggles to say no
- Represses emotions
If you feel personally attacked here, chances are you’ve experienced trauma in your life and you have not processed or healed it yet. Please seek out the help you need to get through this. There are many resources out there that can help uncover your underlying issues. Doing it on your own is NOT part of the manual. If you feel it’s too big to manage on your own, ask for help. Reach out. Send me a message and I can offer some suggestions. Therapy doesn’t work for everyone, but there are so many other options out there.
Power In Numbers.
I write this today because it’s also what I need to hear. I know I’m not the only one that struggles or feels alone and unlovable. I’m not the only one that struggles with loneliness, yet also feels like she doesn’t deserve to fall in love with someone who treats her like a Queen.
I know I’m not the only one that blocks love from finding her because she feels like she is unworthy.
I’m not the only one that allows her past to define her.
I’m not the only one that needs love and support, kindness and compassion, and daily reminders that I am a powerful fucking woman and that I deserve all the great things that both life and love have to offer.
I know that I’m not the only one.
Sadly, WE, collectively, make up a majority of the population. I believe that the majority of us humans are craving a level of love and affection that we all so dearly need and deserve, yet we deny ourselves because we feel like we are unworthy to receive it.
Far too many people are living with and carrying a burden that is no longer theirs to carry.
Far too many people are trying to work through these issues on their own when they should be sitting in an office next to a therapist trying to figure it all out and process it properly.
At the end of the day, we’re all pretty fucked up. We all have our issues. We all have our stories, but if we don’t take the time to listen and understand what’s going on we are going to continue having the same problems with all the different people we come into contact with.
If we don’t take the time to heal our wounds, we are going to bleed onto everyone we come into contact with.
It’s kind of a gross analogy, but it’s true.
We are being given signs each and every day. Open your eyes. Open your heart. LISTEN. Meditate. Pray. Reflect. Heal.