What happens when you stop feeling?
You still feel love towards your kids, your cats and your family and friends, but your partner…
You were in a committed relationship, it was going fantastic! You were head over heels in love. He made you laugh. He treated you like the queen that you are. He loved your kids. He CARED about your kids. You went RING SHOPPING with this dude. You planned on marrying him. You guys had made plans for the future: Fix up the current house, sell, buy a bigger house that will fit all the kids and be closer to work, get married and live happily ever after, right?
What happens when one day you wake up and realize that everything is gone.
He’s still there.
He still loves and adores you, but all the feelings of love, all the emotional attachments, all the desires, the thoughts of a future together… they’re gone.
You can’t bring them back no matter how hard you try.
You can’t even bring yourself to cry because you just. can’t. feel. anything.
You feel horrible. Guilty, rather. Guilty because of your lack of feelings. How can you care about someone so much and then completely shut down.
He’s heartbroken and confused. He has no idea what happened, but neither do you. He’s not going to accept that as a reason for having things end so abruptly though, just as you wouldn’t if the tables were turned. He needs to know. He needs an explanation, but you’ve got nothing, literally, nothing. Just that.. you’re sorry. I know it hurts, I know I hurt you, I am sorry.
Not a single tear. No hurt feelings. No heartbreak.
Just guilt. Lots of guilt.
The pain doesn’t come from the loss of a partner or the loss of love, the loss of companionship or life partner. The pain comes purely from the fact that you feel guilty about the pain you caused him.
You feel empty.
Are you a heartless monster? How does this happen?
How is it possible to slide from one end of the spectrum of love to the other so quickly and unexpectedly? So abruptly and definitively.
I have to admit, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me. I’m actually known for having the innate “ability” to just shut everything down. Some people call this “compartmentalization”
Wikipedia defines Compartmentalization as a subconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person’s having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, etc. within themselves.
I say “ability” for lack of a better suited term. I actually consider it somewhat of a curse.. my lack of emotional empathy during times like this is very disheartening. I feel like a monster. I feel cruel and heartless. I feel so very much unlike ME. Naturally, I am a very empathetic, emotional, loving and kindhearted soul, so for me to go total rogue on feelings like this, to be quite honest, is frightening to me.
How does one handle situations like this? Is this just how I am? Due to the fact that I AM like this, it makes me feel like I would rather be alone. I’m better suited riding solo indefinitely as opposed to partnered up. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I especially don’t want to hurt anyone that has such strong emotional bonds to me.
I know we all deal with a broken heart differently… but I didn’t break my heart… I broke his and he did not deserve that.