Trigger warning… there is talk of abuse and healing in this post, please note I speak openly of my struggles to help encourage others to open up and heal from their own traumas. These issues need to be addressed, brought to light, and healed in order to live our lives authentically. If you need help working through your trauma’s or support in finding your footing, please reach out. I do offer a coaching program on Mindset Management and Self Love and I would be honoured to speak with you. I am not a therapist and I am not meant to replace your therapist, but through experience and education, I have developed a system that works to help the healing process.
Do you remember who you were before society told you who you should be?
How often do you tone yourself down to avoid being too forward or seem ‘overly confident,’ or… full of yourself.
How often do you bite your tongue, keep our mouth shut, and not speak up for what you believe in or say what you really want to say.
How often do you notice that you’re not staying true to yourself as a means to avoid conflict or avoid upsetting someone or, heaven forbid, you actually offend someone.
🙋🙋 I know I’m guilty.
I do this a lot, actually.
I’ve been doing for it so long that I forget who I was before I was ‘programmed’ to be what society wanted me to be. Somewhere along the way I forgot who I actually was.
I’ve started to feel ME more and more lately. She’s always been there and every once in a while she would raise her hand and whisper in my ear, but she’s been backed into the corner so long she has been afraid to speak up or even be seen. It’s those little whispers though, that have kept me going and kept me believing that something amazing was coming.
While she may be small, she is mighty. The energy behind these brief moments of hope have been enough for me to stay motivated and keep pushing forward.
Hope is that little voice that whispers in your ear to keep going and try again tomorrow. She’s always there, she just needs some help speaking up.
What was holding me back:
- Fear of failure
- Fear of rejection.
- Fear of confrontation.
- Lack of confidence.
- ZERO belief in myself.
The REAL me has started showing up lately and she is fucking gorgeous.
The REAL me is tired of conforming to others and being what other people want or expect me to be.
The REAL me is tired of taking on the responsibility and burden of other people’s feelings.
I’m not saying that I’m turning into an inconsiderate asshole, I’m saying that I’m now putting my own wants and needs first. If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a no. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s a no. (I talk about the importance and power behind saying no to things that don’t light you up in an earlier blog post : The Power of “No.”)
I’m not sure when it happened, but I put the damn work in and it did, I’m transforming and I’m not even sorry.
It’s taken me far to long to realize that…
I am important.
I am enough.
It’s ok to be ME. ME is beautiful, unique, quirky, funny, intelligent, educated, SMART, dedicated, affluent, vibrant, fucking gorgeous.
Why has it taken so long for me to get here.
First of all, I was never equipped with the confidence to stand up for myself.
It was ingrained in me from a very early age that I would not amount to anything. It was pushed on me that I was not good enough to make it in this world. I was told that I would never be as good as, or as beautiful or attractive as “those other girls” because I was different… or too big. I’d never fit in.
I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt or a stutter in my voice that the man that taught me these things is an asshole and should not have been given the opportunity to hurt me in these ways. NOBODY deserves to be made to feel anything less than extraordinary. Over the years of this person being in my life he made sure that my confidence levels never reached a point where I may actually fight back or start believing in myself. When I did actually stand up for myself it would get turned back around on me as though it were my fault. It was my fault, as a young girl, that he was so mean and cruel to me. I was deserving of this treatment.
THIS IS NOT OK.
Children should never be subjected to this kind of abuse.
After a lot of deep work and personal healing on myself, I have come to forgive my past abusers. Please not that I said that I forgive, I do not dismiss or accept the behaviour. It is still and always will be inexcusable, but carrying around the burden of anger weighs heavy on ones soul, just as I am sure it does on yours. I feel sorry for the pain they must be and / or must have been feeling in their hearts to be so angry and cruel all the time. It takes a very hurt, dark heart to knowingly contribute to someone’s pain.
I grew up thinking that being treated this way was ok. I grew up believing what he said about me to be true. I’ve suffered through many years of pain and broken relationships because I did not believe that I was worthy of love.
Causes of self-doubt.
Treating someone like shit and then turning around and casually apologizing and promising you’ll never do it again and / or buying them things to make up for your shitty behaviour is NOT how you parent or even adult for that matter. What you are doing in this scenario is teaching your kids or partner (because even as adults, we can learn this too) that it’s ok for someone to be an asshole as long as they apologize and/or buy you something to make up for it.
This is the beginning of long life of feelings of unworthiness and a belief that it’s acceptable to put up with abuse as long as they simply apologize after.
I don’t know about you, but if by chance my child happens to be put in the position of an abusive partner, I want them to feel empowered enough to say enough is enough after the FIRST incident (or preferably, notice the signs BEFORE there is an incident to note) and not have to be subjected to a life of it. I want them to have the confidence and belief in themselves that they are worth more. They deserve better and that they can walk away.
Sorry doesn’t fix everything.
Sorry isn’t going to fix a broken heart or repair a lifetime of damage caused by psychological abuse.
I will be 35 this year and I am only just now starting to realize who I am as a woman and that I am worthy of all the things I dream of. ALL. OF. THE. THINGS. It has taken incredible amounts of work, reflection, programs, courses, classes, meditation, deep reflective work, and breaking myself wide open, but I have figured it out. My journey is not over, but I feel like I have cracked the system.
It’s not easy unlearning all the bullshit. We’ve been programmed for a long time, but it is possible with the right support system.
I AM WORTHY.
SO ARE YOU.
I AM DESERVING OF ALL THE THINGS THAT I WANT.
SO ARE YOU.
Your children will screw up. They will make mistakes. They will piss you off, annoy you, break things, make a mess, not understand, get confused, ask a million questions that you’ve probably already answered a million times… there is absolutely no excuse to put them down or make them feel like they are stupid, or that they don’t have as much of a right to be on this planet as you do. Just because you are an adult, does not make you superior. Yes, you have an authoritative position as an adult and as a parent, but that does not mean you have any right to be an asshole.
Treat children with dignity, love, and respect and it will be returned to you and they will grow and develop into strong, loving human beings with respect for themselves and others.
Sadly, as adults, most of us have a childhood we are recovering and healing from. These are old wounds and though they are difficult still, even after all these years, they need to be forgiven and released. YOU need to heal so you can move forward with love in your heart.
IT IS POSSIBLE.
Let’s grow together. Let’s learn how to love ourselves. Let’s teach our children how to love themselves. Let’s build a childhood that our kids don’t have to recover from.
Let’s uncover and build up and uncover the strong and healthy mama you know you are. One that can lead by example confidently, with love and an undeniable power and belief in themselves.
With love and gratitude,