Tough Pills & Broken Cycles

I’ve heard women say for years that once you reach a certain age the level of fucks you give in general decreases significantly. I will admit that I have always been skeptical of this statement, I never thought that I, one who has always given far too many fucks about far too many things, could never possibly just… not care. 

It went against the very core of my being.

I’ve always cared about everything. I cared who liked me, who didn’t like me. I cared if I upset someone, to any degree. I was obsessed with getting things right, every single time. Failure or screwing up stressed me out. I’d get upset and mull over the smallest things for years. Literally, years. It was insanity. The level of stress and anxiety this type of mentality had over my mental health is unexplainable. 

Imagine stewing over something that was said, or wasn’t said, years after the actual event had occurred. Most people don’t remember those conversations, but not me. My brain would relive those moments over and over and over again, bringing me to the brink of anxiety and back again. My brain would make me believe that these trivial things mattered. 

Fact – They don’t. They never really did to begin with. 

The fact that I said, “You too.” to someone who asked me how I was doing never really mattered. Was it awkward, hell yes. Was it slightly embarrassing. Obviously. Is that other person thinking about that encounter however many minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS after the fact? Doubtful. 

I credit a lot of my mindset shift to the book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson. I make a point of reading this book at least once a year to remind myself to tighten the reins around my precious fuck distribution.

You only have so many fucks to give in your lifetime.
Save them for magical shit.

Fast forward to current day.

The level of fucks I have left to give are minimal. My tolerance for any kind of drama and bullshit is the lowest it has ever been. I’m torn over whether it is because I truly don’t care, or… well, nothing really. I just honestly don’t care. I believe this is a very dangerous place to be. Liberating, yes! But also dangerous.

I’ve made it! I’ve made it to the woman who stands her ground, takes no shit, drinks her wine, enjoys her edibles, and generally lives a calm and peaceful life, free of drama!

I went from the one who gave people 300+ chances, expecting people to change, expecting people to have the same heart as me, to absolute cut throat. I will literally remove anyone from my life, no questions asked, on the first onset or inclination of any kind of red flag or drama. I no longer tolerate disrespect. I will no longer engage in negative conversations or allow someone’s shitty behaviour or attitude to sour my mood or day. When it comes to dating, I don’t even give chances any more. I don’t chase, I don’t get upset, I’m completely unphased – It probably is a good place to be because I’m no longer getting taken advantage of, so I guess I have to thank all those that have taken advantage of me over the years for this shift in perception.

With this new awareness, I am now better able to read the energy of a situation. I reciprocate the level of interest / energy I receive from anyone. If I catch a vibe that the interest in waning (and believe me when I say I can catch this vibe even through text), I will not stick around to reignite that flame for you. I know that I am a good woman, and I will no longer waste my time trying to make a man understand or see this. If they can’t figure this out on their own, I have no need for them in my life.

Independence. 

I’ve often described myself as independent and I have been described as independent to a fault, meaning that it is a bad thing. I’ve grown so accustomed to life on my own terms that the thought of bringing someone else on board and throwing off my balance gives me more anxiety than the thought of being alone for the rest of my life. 

If you knew how hard I worked to get to this level of peace in my life, you would understand why I am so selective of who I let into my little universe.

A little backstory.

I have been in my home for 13 years now, almost 8 of which have been just myself and my kids. Over the last 13 years, I have taken in many people. From my ex-father-in-law, to friends, my step brother, my estranged father, my mother, and two ex-boyfriends (one was whom I thought was the love of my life and forever after, and the other quite literally backed me into a corner and forced my hand to let him stay here). In all honesty, I’d never really felt very much at home here until recently. I had my home switched over to my name after being separated for 7 years, I took some money and did renos to help create a space void of all previous energy, a fresh start, a clean slate. I was finally able to create a space that felt more like my own. I’ve been here 13 years and it’s only been within the last year that it’s actually felt like home to me. A place where I’ve felt safe. Where I’ve actually walked in and felt like I was coming home at the end of the day. I still have some work to do, but it’s definitely a lot closer than it was before. So, with that being said, why would I want to add someone else’s energy to my space when I’ve only JUST NOW created something I feel comfortable in? I’ve spent my life searching for this level of peace and comfort and I know how easy it can all be taken away.

Growing up, my life was chaos. We moved around a lot so I was never able to lay down any roots. Nothing was stable. Nothing was guaranteed. Nothing was a sure thing. When my ex and I bought our house way back when, I proclaimed that I would do everything in my power to ensure that we stayed put until the kids were at least done school. As hard as it’s been on my own the last 8 years, and the fact that I’d borrowed and paid back more money over the years than I care to admit, by the skin on my teeth I JUST barely made it through without losing everything. I still don’t know how I managed to get to where I am today… 

The times are changing.

I use to crave attention so much that I would literally allow anyone into my life. Providing someone gave me the right attention or even ANY attention for that matter, I’d give them some access to my heart (Thank you Daddy / Abandonment Issues). Usually too much access, and usually too soon. I’d give and give and give, expecting the same in return, but would always end up disappointed.

Believe me – If you continue to believe everyone has the same heart as you, you will continue to be disappointed time and time again.

After each heartbreak and shitty relationship, I felt my heart harden up a little bit more. Each experience putting more armour around my already guarded heart. The last couple experiences I’ve had I quite literally could have cared less. One was a 6 month “situationship” that ended quite abruptly, and I thought… ok, good. I’d been secretly hoping for things to fall apart for some time as he had put me into a really awkward legal position with his ex, but I wasn’t sure how to walk away from something he had somewhat binded me into. That and I was getting reallllly tired of sharing my space with someone, him -_- However, I always knew he wasn’t anything special, and most certainly not the one for me, so in the end it was definitely for the better. #ThankYouNext

Tough Pills.

Spiritual women or women with a healing aura often attract those that need healing – False, as a strong, independent, beautiful woman you attract all types, but due to your need to fix people and your co-dependency issues you gravitate towards and CHOOSE those that need healing. 

Ouch. 

Stopping this cycle involves a hell of a lot of inner reflection and healing. If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know that I speak openly about my struggles and how important it is to heal before you date. If you date before you heal, you’re just going to take all those old wounds and insecurities and project them all over everyone you come into contact with. Have you ever noticed patterns in relationships and the type of people you attract into your life? Ya, I hate to break it to you but the problem is most likely you. You will stop attracting certain people into your life when you heal the parts of you that needed them. 

Simply put – Take the time to do the work. You may be on your own for a while as you dig up all that chaos inside of you, but you will end up stopping the cycles of abuse. You’ll stop accepting less than you deserve. You’ll start tolerating less bullshit. You’ll find it easier to walk away from people and situations that no longer serve you. You’ll start standing up for yourself and believing in what you truly deserve.

This journey is not easy and it’s not for the faint of heart, but I guarantee you that at the end of the day all the tears and struggles will be worth it.

Swiping Stories.

I don’t think I’m in a place where I even want to date, but I have the apps on my phone out of boredom and curiosity. I’ll randomly flip through the options, but have recently discovered that I rarely, if ever, swipe right anymore. There once was a day where I felt the options were plentiful, but now there are very few that interest me on any level whatsoever. If there is nothing written on their profile, left, group pictures, left, bad vibes, immediate left. I’ve had maybe 4 matches on the one app in the last few weeks and a handful on the other. I’ve engaged in maybe 1-2 conversations. There’s only been one that I would consider speaking to further, but I got distance vibes from him, so that’s peace out for me. I get that life is busy and we all have lives to meet, but people make time for what’s important to them. I don’t expect to be important to anyone on these apps anytime soon, but I’m also not about to wait around for anyone to wear out their conversation with the other chick for them to realize they had a good one on the go already.

Because of the work I’ve put in, and due to the fact that I’ve taken my demons on one-by-one, I’ve finally started to know and understand my worth. I’m no longer willing to settle for anything less than spectacular. I will not wait around for anyone. If I’m not 100% into you or I feel you’re not 100% into me, I’m not giving you any of my attention. I’ve wasted so much time on people that should never have mattered to me in the first place. I’ve put energy into some questionable creatures out of being starved for attention. Because of the painstaking work I’ve put in over the last few years, I am no longer starved for attention. I am no longer looking for love in all the wrong places. 

I will no longer serve as a rehabilitation centre for poorly raised men. I would rather spend my life alone then spend my life trying to teach a man how to respect and treat me properly. Period.

At the end of the day, we all deserve to be love, and treated with dignity and respect. Nobody should settle for anything less, or even FEEL like they need to settle for anything less. 

Settling should NEVER be an option!

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