Tipping the balance

My life in the last year or so has been pretty balanced. I’ve felt like I’ve had all my affairs in order for the first time ever. I had a decent career on the go, my finances were solid, my house was taken care of, my bills were all paid, I had a social life, the best friends a woman could ask for, I’d even started making a 5yr plan for the first time ever. I created goals so beyond magical that they still bring tears to my eyes when I think about accomplishing them. 

I quite literally felt like I had it all.

Except for love.

So I made up this story in my head that I was sacrificing love in order to have a balanced and happy life.

Seems rational 🤷‍♀️

As though I made a deal with the devil at some point in time, either this life or a previous life, that I would roam this earth alone, continuously searching for love but never finding it. My purpose on earth was to simply bring and show love to others so they may move on to great loves of their own.  I was a bringer of love. Fucking noble, eh? 🙄

As someone with an anxious mind, who has recovered from a whole lot of abuse and trauma, this seemed like a logical thought process and seemed to have a more positive spin than the alternative thought I had originally created – that I was unlovable, unworthy and would die alone because I was such a horrible person.

So I went with the latter. It made me feel better about myself.

when pieces of my life started to unravel I started to get a little excited, weird, I know.

This little voice in my head popped up, Ohhh could it be? Could this really be happening? Does this upheaval mean that love is on the way?

For real though, I can’t even begin to describe what could possibly be wrong with me to have these thought patterns. I’m assuming my readers may start to grasp the level of crazy within me as we work through this thought process of mine together. Bear with me. 

Bit by bit, things started to get messy in my life. As a sickeningly positive person, I did my best to keep my shit together through the whole process, trusting that the universe had my back and there was a method behind the madness.

My plans started to fall apart in regards to returning to school. I’d planned for a September start, I started making said plans back in May/June. I left my full time job mid-July so that I could spend a few weeks making the most of the summer with my kids, something we’ve never been able to do. I set aside enough money to get me through the next couple months of living.

Then there were issues with payments posting to the proper accounts on a previous student loan. Did you know that it can take upwards of 4-weeks for payments to be transferred between departments at the national student loan centre? Neither did I. Also, their 4 week timeframe is actually total bullshit. This back and forth went on for five. Fucking. Months.

Due to the delays, I had to find a job so I could support myself and my family while I waited for things to iron themselves out. I had quite literally rearranged my entire life for a September start in school. Considering the lack of information available from the student loan centre, lord only knew when and if I’d be returning to school at all this year.

A series of unfortunate events.

Then, the clutch on my car went. While I was at work 🤦‍♀️

Financing fell through on a new car.

Financing fell through on getting my car fixed.

Naturally, without the full time salary I was making previously, things started getting tight. Bills started piling up. Life stress of being a single mom started eating away at me.

I did my best to see the silver lining in all of these little hiccups. Again, trusting that the universe had my back and that everything was going to work out exactly as it was supposed to. I maintained that faith and I held on to my hopes and dreams as tightly as I possibly could.

Then a thought crossed my mind. What if the obstacles are redirections to something else. What if this isn’t the right path for me. What if I’m being pushed into another direction. What. The. Fuck. Am. I supposed to do with my life now?! I’ve created an entire identity around my plans and returning to school. My 5yr plan revolves around me getting through this program. If I don’t follow through with this, the entire planning process will have to be re-worked. I Just can’t handle this.

Breathe, Sheena. Stop trying to control the damn situation and let the chips fall where they may. So I peeled my white-knuckled hands off the grip, took a deep breath, and a giant step back. 

‘Fucking ok! I hear you. I’m sorry. I know we’ve done this dance before. Jesus just take the damn wheel. Just show me what needs to be done and I’ll listen. I promise.’

So I did just that. 

Listen, If balance is thrown off in my little world because I’m about to meet the man of my dreams, I’ll fucking take it because you know what? It could be worse, and I’ve paid my dues and I deserve to find love and happiness, so if I have to sacrifice a little comfort in life I fucking will!! I’ve put in the work. I’ve done so much healing and Lord knows I’m ready to settle down with someone consistent. Lord also knows I deserve someone decent in my life. I’ve kissed enough frogs. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, abused, used, you name it – enough times to last many lifetimes. 

Sure, I felt like my life was going to shit, but things could always be worse. 

I still had a roof over my head.

I still had the love of my children, my family and my friends.

I was fortune enough to be able to get a job without any issues so that I could continue to bring in an income while I waited things out. So many people are not able to find employment and end up struggling and inevitably losing everything.

I was able to lean in on a friend to help me get my car back on the road so that I could continue to work and provide for my family. No car = no work

Even though school was being delayed, I was still being reminded that I was on the right path and making the right decisions. #TrustTheProcess

I still had my faith.

So, I took a step back, put my trust in the universe, and I took one for the team.

I’m ready universe. I’ve been working away at manifesting this man of mine, it’s about damn time he shows up! I ain’t getting any younger you know. I’ve already wasted my good boob years on shitty men, please just bring me someone worthwhile while they’re still somewhat perky.

Piece by piece, over the course of a few short months, my world was flipped upside down and then slowly, as if being rebuilt by a guilty conscious, the pieces were put back together. 

That being said…

Am I where I expected myself to be at 36? Hell no. 

Am I well on my way? Also no. 

After the shit show over the last few months, have I met the man of my dreams… again, no, I don’t think so. So, I don’t know what to tell you. Normally I have some good, uplifting closing arguments, but today it’s just this…

I know it wasn’t all for nothing. All these experiences provide me with such valuable life lessons. 

Again I am being taught patience. Why always with the patience?!

Patience with myself.

Patience with the universe and trusting my life plan.

After all of this, am I more inclined to be more patient with myself in finding my life partner?

I doubt it. 

But i can guarantee that I’m going to give it my best shot and hope for the best.

Falling in love, while I’ve always feared it, I know it’s a beautiful thing and if I have to fall in love continuously with myself and those around me over and over again throughout the course of my lifetime as I search for this mystery man of mine, so be it. 

He’ll find me when he finds me and when he does, fuck he will be blessed with more love than he will know what to do with. I’ve given so much incredible love to the wrong people, I can only imagine what I will be able to offer the man that’s meant for this tarnished and beat up, battered and bruised ol’ heart of mine.

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