Things you might want to know before dating a single Mom

As we get older and progress through the various stages of life, the likelihood of dating a single-parent becomes increasingly more common. A lot of us over the years have been in long term serious relationships, some married some common-law, some relationships fleeting and brief. Some of us have started a family with who we thought was going to be our happily ever after, only to realise you’ve grown apart over the years and no longer have it in you to make things work. Some of us end up with unplanned little minions from relationships that weren’t expected or were doomed from the get-go, so we end up taking the long, hard road of parenting on our own. Some of us choose different paths, some put career before kids, travel over family, and some just haven’t grown up yet. Whatever path you choose is entirely up to you and nobody has a right to judge your choices, those are YOUR choices and yours alone.

That being said, there are massive differences between these types of people, so naturally, dating the varieties requires some knowledge and understanding. If you don’t have kids, chances are you don’t know what type of commitment it takes to actually be a parent – that’s ok, nobody expects you to understand that. What we DO expect you to understand, is that we are not like the single, kid-free, fly by the seat of your pants girl you met backpacking through Amsterdam.

Things are different with us.

Let me explain.

1. First and foremost, her kids are her priority, not you. You will never be No. 1 in her eyes and you have to be ok with that. SHE will never be No. 1 in her eyes and SHE is ok with that. If you have a problem wiht this, you need to take a step back and understand what you are dealing with here. If you are not ok with the fact that you will always come 2nd, 3rd or even 4th in her books and you bitch, moan and complain that you’re not getting enough attention, you can rest assured that your ass will be shown the door very quickly. It is NOT ok to guilt her into diverting her attention to you. It is NOT ok to assume that you take priority or precedence. It is NOT ok to think, even for a second, that in any given situation, she will put you ahead of her kids. She doesn’t even put herself ahead of her kids.
2. Don’t expect her to introduce her kids to you right away. You will likely only get a chance to meet her kids once she knows and trusts that you’re going to be around for a while. If there is any lack of trust or her spidey senses tell her she may get hurt in ANY way, there is no way she is going to let you near her babies. Messing with Mama bear is one thing, messing with the cubs is an entirely different beast.
3. She won’t have as much free time as you do, especially if she hasn’t introduced you to her kids yet. If she’s got young ones at home (under 13), she can’t just drop everything and go out any time you call. She may want to, but she can’t. Babysitters are NOT cheap and generally have to be pre-arranged beforehand, if she even has one that she trusts enough to leave her kids alone with. Don’t call her last minute to go out. Be respectful of her time, do your due diligence and make arrangements in advance. Your ability to plan ahead is actually quite sexy and let’s us know you’re in this for more than just the sex.
4. She may cancel on you last minute because of a kid-emergency / illness. This has nothing to do with you. While it may suck balls to have plans fall through at the last minute, it happens and it is all part of game. If you are on a date and her kid or sitter calls, she will answer regardless of the situation. If needed, she will leave and possibly leave quickly and there is nothing you can do to stop her. DO NOT attempt to sway her leaving or talk her out of attending to her kids. This will not go over well. If this happens know that you are being selfish here and you need to back off. Refer to No. 1.: You will never be priority No. 1 in her books. Step down.

5. She’s going to be tired. Like, fucking exhausted 99.999% of the time. Yes, we understand you have worked all day as well, but think about it this way… if she is a stay-at-home-mom, she has likely chased or carried kids around all day, kept the house tidy, did laundry, made breakfast, lunch and dinner, (nap while the kids are napping.. that only happens in movies. It’s a fairy tale.) etc. If you don’t classify MOM as being a job, you better get your head out of your ass and open your eyes.

If her kids are old enough to be in school, this means she will be working 8 hours a day outside of her home before she comes back home and works another 6-8 hours making sure her kids are taken care of and her house isn’t falling apart before eventually collapsing into bed and starting all over again in the morning. When she says she’s tired, don’t fight her on it.

6. Her house isn’t going to be Martha Stewart, prim and proper clean, she may bake some mean muffins though! There will be toys, clutter, laundry, dirty floors, papers… you name it. Listen, this chick works HARD to keep her household flowing smoothly and keeping tiny humans alive, any extra time she gets off or to herself she would much rather spend enjoying it with her kids or just having some R&R, not cleaning and organizing. Providing she doesn’t have dog shit strewn about and feces on the walls or generally living in a state of filth let it go, if you say anything about the state of her house, expect a push-back and quite possibly a backhand.

7. She will be guarded and scared to open her heart and let you in. She wants to love, but she doesn’t want to get hurt again. She doesn’t want to have to start over all over again. She doesn’t want to experience another failed attempt at love. She’s more than likely been hurt before. She’s got battle scars and baggage to prove it. She may be somewhat damaged, but she’s still capable and worthy of the best love possible. When entering into a potential relationship with a single Mom, you need to realize that it’s not just about you + her anymore. It’s not quite that simple. There aren’t just two hearts in the equation. You break her heart, that’s one thing… you break her kids heart and that’s an entirely different story.

8. She may very well be the hardest working woman you know. Any of the single mom’s I’ve been fortunate enough to encounter and interview have all been hustlers. Most of them work full-time + part-time just to make ends meet. Some are putting in over 60hrs a week to make sure they are able to provide the life the envisioned for their kids.

At the end of the day, just be kind, loving and gentle. If you have doubts about the relationship and where things are going, talk to her. Honesty is always the best policy. If you don’t feel like you can make it work because you are not fully prepared for the commitment of kids in your life… we get it. Nobody said it was going to be easy. Worth it, fucking right, but easy… not a chance. Parenting is not for the faint of heart or inexperienced. Give enough respect to the person you are let them know what’s going through your head. Don’t bail out unexpectedly. Don’t ghost and disappear without a goodbye or explanation. Just don’t be a dick. Be patient and know that once she let’s you in… it’ll all be worth it.

Much love,

xo

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