It’s hard to tell which flags are red when we all put on our rose coloured glasses at the beginning of a new relationship. Everything seems so perfect when we start feeling all lustful and alive.
Those butterflies you feel in your belly at the beginning of your new relationship? That’s common sense leaving your body. Calm your tits, get your head out of the clouds, and focus.
Who else is guilty of ignoring red flags and is always trying to see the best in people?
Why are we like this?
We are dumb.
Well, some of us are… but in all honesty, it’s mostly because our hearts are too big or we have been neglected proper and adequate love most of our lives. This doesn’t mean we are dumb, it means we have unresolved trauma that we need to heal or work through. Some of us weren’t hugged enough as a kid, some of us were abused, some of us were hurt really, really badly by people we thought loved and cared for us. When we have been denied love, one of the most basic of basic human needs, we tend to grab hold of it whenever it shows up in our lives. Sometimes it’s legit, and sometimes it comes dressed like a wannabe knight wrapped up in tinfoil.
Let me first tell you this… if you’ve been brutally broken yet STILL you choose to seek love, you still BELIEVE in love, then you, my dear, are a fucking badass warrior.
Acknowledging the red flags and putting a stop to second chances is something I am diligently working on lately. Easier said than done, I know. Recognizing them though, is a great place to start. You can’t fix what you don’t know or understand, right?
SHEE TIP: Recognize the red flags and stop making excuses for people. Most of the time people know EXACTLY what they are doing. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If it feels too good to be true, it probably is. Learn how to trust your gut, your instincts. Instinct comes from the belly, fear comes from the chest.
We talked about red flags on one of the most recent episodes of NCLoveline (listen to it HERE). I drafted a list to go over, and man was it a list! We could probably do an entire series on red flags and what to watch out for. I’ve been in and out of the dating world for quite some time, so sadly I have quite a bit of experience diving headfirst into red flags. Reading over my list before the show had me shaking my head, they all came from personal experience and most of which I chose to ignore because “I saw their light!” *eyes roll so far back into my head I can see the back of my skull.*
I’m such an idiot. Seriously. I’ve wasted time and energy on men that didn’t even deserve a text back. Another Shee Tip – not everyone deserves a text back or a chance to prove themselves.
So, without further adieu, let’s roll them out…
They’re a “player” and emotionally unavailable.
Ladies, this is not a challenge. If he’s emotionally unavailable or not mature enough to handle an actual adult relationship, you’re not going to change his mind or who he is as a person.
I’ve noticed a trend with a lot of men my age over the years. The option pool for them is so big and vast and there will ALWAYS be someone out there willing to jump into bed on a swipe right – thank you online dating! Instant gratification is HUGE in today’s society. A lot of men that I’ve met aren’t willing to work for much let alone want anything with substance, and most seem to only want a quick piece of ass. Which we all know is easy to find. Sex is easy to get. Connection, chemistry, and loyalty are just a couple of basic qualities that you want to look for in a potential partner.
Fuckboys don’t make good partners.
They talk themselves up A LOT.
We’ve heard it all, truuuust me.
- You can go for days.
- You’ll give us all the orgasms.
- You’ll do things to us that have never been done before.
- You’re the best in bed.
Or the best… “you can’t handle this. I’ll have you begging for more.”
Just. Stop. Seriously. It’s embarrassing. We are actually embarrassed for you. It’s cringy-gross.
Chances are if he has to talk his shit up, he’s got nothing going for him.
I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard men talk themselves up to be gods gift to women only to be sorely disappointed. My DMs are full of men talking about all the things they are amazing at.
Dude, if you can’t find the clit chances are you are shit. And don’t even get me started on the “mythical” g-spot. Jesus, I haven’t met a man that has talked about how amazing he is only to have absolutely zero fucking clue what to do with a vagina in his face.
A confident man will let his actions speak for themselves.
They live with their parents.
Whether it’s the basement or their old bedroom, I don’t think I need to go into why this is a red flag… I can see if they just got out of a long term relationship and moved back home BRIEFLY to get back on their feet, but if they’ve been there for a while and have no intentions of leaving or being independent any time soon, um, run. I can’t stress this enough. Independence is important, especially once you hit your mid-thirties. If they can’t handle being on their own, if they STILL depend on their parents to take care of things for them, chances are they’re going to expect you to do everything once you move into a relationship. You want a partner, not a man-baby or another child to take care of. I stand by my opinion on this. I understand life is tough on your own, trust me I’ve been doing it on my own for years. If I can do it, you sure as hell can too. #FightMe
All their exes are crazy.
Are all their exes really crazy, or did they manipulate, gaslight, and abuse them to the point that they weren’t willing to put up with their bullshit anymore and so they snapped? Or maybe they finally put boundaries up and now they’re a crazy bitch? A lot of times when someone is unable to manipulate and abuse someone else in which they have had their thumb on for any length of time, those people become a crazy bitch. Boundaries are only a bad thing for people who have been abusing them.
Keep them boundaries steady, sis.
Be the crazy bitch if that’s what it takes.
In a sea of crazy bitches, if the common denominator is him, chances are the problem isn’t actually those crazy bitches… it’s him.
They ignore or disregard your boundaries.
Whether it’s the boundaries you set around when and where you want to see / meet them or how quickly you want to progress through intimacy or when (or IF) you want to get your kids involved, if they are unable to accept your answer and they keep pushing you to change your mind then they are unable to respect boundaries. If someone can’t take no for an answer, that’s a big deal. If they get offended when they are told “no” take that as a red flag #ControlIssues
Him: “Can we just meet at my place and go from there?”
You: “No. I’d rather not meet at your house. Even though we’ve been talking for a while, I would feel safer meeting in a public setting.”
Him: “Oh come on. You’re safe with me. I wouldn’t hurt you.”
You: “I get that, but I’d still feel safer meeting at a bar or coffee shop.”
Him: “Well, can I pick you up from your house then?”
I get that this may come off as me being manic and he may just be trying to make things easier by driving, but it’s better to play it safe than to be sorry. Avoiding sticky situations altogether and keeping things out in the open should be your priority #SafetyFirst Maybe I’ve done too much research into criminal psychology and serial killers, but for real… they walk among us and you never truly know a person’s intentions. Just be safe.
Also, on this note, make sure someone knows as many details about the person you are going on a date with… and always have a contingency plan.
They try to move the relationship forward too quickly.
The truth is, I don’t think you can ever truly know someone, and most certainly not after only a couple dates or conversations. Nobody really shows their true colours in the beginning. It takes time to open up and learn all the finer details about a person. Don’t be so quick to commit and jump into a relationship without first taking the time to learn about who they are underneath that honeymoon demeanor. Take your time to get to know them, learn about their likes and dislikes. See how they respond and react in difficult situations, watch how they treat people of all walks of life. Get stuck in traffic with them, go somewhere with shitty wifi, see how they react behind slow walking people at the mall, observe how they treat the servers at restaurants when things get messed up. Seeing how people respond in hectic, stressful or chaotic situations is a great way to see if you can or want to commit to them long term.
Some people are just assholes and are not worth your time. Honestly.
They need constant reassurance or validation.
This is a sure-fire sign of insecurity. If someone is constantly asking if you like them or if you find them attractive, if they’re better looking than your ex, or better in bed than your ex, they’re severely insecure. If they’re not putting work into bettering themselves and healing those wounds that are making them feel weak and insecure, this will be your life moving forward. Speaking from experience, this type of insecurity almost indefinitely leads to jealousy and major control issues. When someone doesn’t think highly of themselves, even the slightest trigger will set them off and make them feel unworthy of you, or anyone they are in a relationship with and they will pick fights. In the past, this has led to my partner attempting to keep a VERY short leash on me, wanting to know my every move, getting anxious every time I left the house, calling and texting constantly if I were out without him. All of this due to his insecurities, NOT by anything I had done to instill a lack of trust in me.
One of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever heard was, leave after the first lie. In the past, I have always chosen to ignore it, but it always rings in my ear after the, “I TOLD YOU SO.” I know, I know. Listen, I already told you I was kind of dumb, ok. I have all kinds of emotional processing issues not outlined in this article. This list stems from experience, remember?
Example: Their profile said they were 5’10” and they show up for your date the same height as you, who is NOT 5’10”. While this may seem a little shallow and egotistical, it’s actually pretty significant. Not to mention something so blatantly obvious to disprove. I’ve never understood why so many men do this. Little lies like this often make me think that if they choose to lie about something so stupid, what else are they going to try and pull over your eyes? I mean, I’m not about to pull out a measuring stick, but listen, I’m a tall girl, not 5”10” tall, but tall nonetheless, and if you show up eye-to-eye with me it means I’ve caught you in a lie. Don’t even try to play me, boo.
Guys, this is a sneaky one. Love bombing is when someone lays on the love and affection wayyyy too quickly. This can be taken a couple of ways.
- The recipient is going to think you’re a fucking nutjob because you’re telling them that you are falling for them… on the first date.
- The recipient is going to suck up all that love (because they weren’t hugged enough as a child) and you’re going to lull them into a false sense of security.
They share too many common interests with you.
If you find yourself exclaiming, “omg, me too!” every time they talk about something they’re into… you could have a Joe on your hands!
(Think Joe, from the show, “You.” If you haven’t watched it yet. I suggest you do. It’s a great wakeup call to increase the security settings on your social media, especially if you are dating! It shows how quickly and easily people can find a shit load of information about you. Umm, creepy!)
While some of the commonalities may be sincere, some of them may have been uncovered due to some quick research into you. They could have discovered some of your interests and they are now feeding into them to help secure their spot in your life. In the age of technology, you can never really be certain of how much someone looked into you. I for one, always search up potential dates before meeting them. Social media is a great way to get a glimpse into who a person actually is.
Finding someone who is interested in ALL the same things as you is almost a sure-fire way to secure a second date. I’ve had men tell me they were deep into spirituality and exploring their spiritual side only to quickly learn that it was all complete bullshit. I’ve also had men tell me that they love cats, I have 3, only to have them later slip up and tell me how much they hate them. Both of those dates did not end well.
I’m not like the other guys.
If they say this a lot, chances are they are, in fact, like the other guys.
I could go on. My list is extensive. For the sake of honouring your attention span, I will leave this post at that. I will likely open up another post outlining some other red flags soon though. As always, I’d love to hear your opinions and feedback. Do you have some less obvious red flags that we should watch for? Follow me on Facebook to follow along and engage on our page posts.
The moral of the story is, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Do your best to walk into potential relationships with your eyes open and rose coloured glasses off. Keep your heart open to love and possibilities, but have boundaries like a mother fucker. If he doesn’t end up living up to our expectations, cut your losses and move along. As cliche as it sounds, there are many fish in the sea. You’ll eventually find one that you are compatible with.
Listen – Don’t let loneliness lower your standards. <– Say that again.
Cheers to maintaining your mental health while dating and avoiding douche bags!