Let’s talk numbers.

Guy you’re seeing:        What’s your body count?

Me:                                 Like in the basement?

Guy you’re seeing:       What?

Me:                                 What?

Guy you’re seeing:        umm… How many people have you slept with?

The foundation of any relationship is built on trust. If you don’t have trust, you really don’t have anything, but is some information better left unsaid? Asking someone about their sexual history is common practice, but do you feel that this is an essential piece of information required from your partner?

Honestly….

Does anyone ever answer this question truthfully?

What do you deem an acceptable number of sexual partners for someone in their mid-30’s?

Is this info included in the must-know category of information when you get serious with someone?

Is it really anyone’s business? Let’s be real for a moment, do you REALLLLLY need to know, or are you just being nosey?

I have a list, you should too, but I will never tell you my number and I don’t care about yours.

-R

Separating Fact from Fiction.

I’ve heard that whatever number men tell you, you should subtract 5 and whatever number a woman tells you, you add 5 (+).

How much truth is in that statement? Have you lied about your numbers? Did you overshoot or undershoot? By how much? Why did you feel the need to lie?

I have so many questions!!

Would the number you are told change the way you feel about that person?

Is there a range that you would consider “acceptable”?

Do you feel you have the right to judge someone based on their sexual history? Think about this one for a moment, please. Do you feel as though YOU have the right to judge someone based on their sexual history?

Let’s take that down just another step further… Do you feel you have the right to judge? Period.

Last I checked, there was only one true judge and you weren’t it. So unless you’re edging on perfection I think you need to watch yourself with this one. Juuuust sayin’

What if their number is on the high end?

Does that make them a less viable option for a life partner? In your eyes, does their past define them? Do you consider this to be a deal breaker? If yes, why?

Would you be worried that they were too “easy” and change your opinion of who they are as a person?

Woah. Now hold up a minute here.

You do the math and realize that they racked up those numbers within the last couple years of being single < if they slept with x amount of people in the last x years, that means they’ve slept with x people a week 😮 >. You think to yourself, damn, if they give it up that easy what makes me think they’re going to stay loyal to me?

Here’s a tip.

Don’t do the math, man. Just don’t. Seriously, you are trippin down a rabbit hole of curiosity in a box that you probably don’t want to explore.

Enter comparison-mode and jealousy. #Doom.

I mean, high numbers means they’re a slut, right? When someone has high numbers, this tells you that they’ve been with a lot of different people, experienced a lot of different things. They have seen a lot of different penis and / or vaginas! They have likely fucked and been fucked a multitude of different ways. It likely got a little weird at times. You wonder if you can keep up, if you umm “measure up,” if you’re the best they’ve had…

“You’ve slept with a lot of people. You are such a slut!”

Whore.

Harlot.

Tramp.

Trallop.

Oh right… You’d only be considered a slut if those high numbers were to come from a woman.

Why is there so much shame around these numbers with women? I don’t think I have ever seen men express any kind of shame around their numbers, but when it comes to women I see it all the time. A great example of double standards in society. It is almost expected that men would have higher numbers in the bag (hence the reason they give higher than actual numbers when confronted with the age old question, perhaps??), but should a woman openly express her sexuality and desire for sex she is automatically deemed a slut. Men brag constantly about the amount of women they’ve slept with. The higher the number, the greater the bragging rights. You see this ALL the time.

I’ve seen and met men that will go on “benders” and sleep with as many people as they possibly can and then proceed to brag about it, like it’s some great accomplishment. I’ve seen men lead women on, with absolutely no intention of pursuing anything with them long term, despite what they tell these women, just to get them into bed.

Hello Hookup Culture – see my article here on Dating in Hookup Culture. Yes, women do it too, but not nearly as often or as blatantly as men. I don’t have stats, but I am going to go ahead and assume that that assumption pans out.

Now, I am very liberal when it comes to sex (meaning I am open and confident with my sexuality. I support all aspects and orientations. I don’t judge. I support a – “to each their own” mentality.), but you’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I think this type of behavior is just gross. Safety would obviously be a concern. If you’re banging that many men / women and that many me / women are so easily hopping into bed with you, when you add it all up that’s a lot of fluid swapping. I would hope that if you are working on pumping your numbers that you are at least being safe, but who knows what anyone is doing these days.

Feelings would be my other main concern. When you are playing with matters of the heart, people get hurt and a broken heart is some of the worst pain us humans can endure. If you have no intention of staying with someone after they’ve shared the most sacred part of themselves with you, don’t lead them to believe you are. If you’re just after sex, that’s fine, but make sure whomever you are sleeping with knows and understands that too.

* Steps off soapbox *

On the contrary.

What if their number is really low?

Would you be concerned that they hadn’t had a big enough opportunity to sow their oats? Maybe they will end up wanting and needing more after some time. Maybe they will get a wondering eye and want to have an adventure with someone new, or bail on you altogether? Sure, the thought of having an ‘unsullied’ partner may sound appealing, but we are human and are, in fact, sexual beings. Unless you live in a closet, you will be exposed to all kinds of wonderful-looking sexual temptations, naturally you will become curious. If you haven’t had an opportunity to explore your sexuality and your partner is not open to exploring with you, you may find that you acquire a thirst for something more.

Prude.

Puritan.

Uptight.

Spinster.

By the time we get to my age (mid-thirties), we do not see too many people with their innocence still intact, but it does happen. I truly respect those that have chosen to save themselves for marriage. Most of us by this age have gone through our hoe phase, unless of course we settled down early in life and missed it… in which case, gear up, you’ll likely hit it soon.

I hope this article opens up the flow of communication. I know there will be many differing views and opinions and I am very curious to see them all.

Happy coupling 😉

Shee
xo

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