Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it. – Roald Dahl
There was a time when I lost faith in myself so badly that I stopped believing in the magic of ME.
I lost all my magic. My energy. My zest for life. My spirit. My fire. It felt that way anyways. I felt alone. Isolated. Angry. Frustrated. My head hurt. My heart was broken. My memory went to shit. I struggled a lot. My anxiety peaked. My depression started to linger. I was a mess.
Essentially, I gave up on myself. I gave up on myself because my life was not how I had envisioned it to be.
Listen, life has a way of kicking your ass when you get in your own way. It does this on purpose. Life will kick your ass and beat you down so that once you get to the bottom, you can start rebuilding your life from scratch using the new knowledge you’ve acquired during your slow descent into your own personal hell. Pain has a way of teaching you about life. Suffering has a way of instilling wisdom.
Rock bottom turned out to be the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.
– JK Rowling.
She wasn’t messing around when she said that.
Life experiences – hardship, heartbreak, struggle, pain, suffering, isolation, anxiety, depression – these are all put in your path to teach you how to survive. These hard times teach you how to evolve, change, grow, and become a better version of yourself. It’s hard as fuck but guaranteed you will come out on the other side feeling a new zest and appreciation for your life. For some people, this journey can be relatively fleeting and quick, but for some, it can drag on for years. How quickly we pull ourselves from the fire entirely depends on the love and support of those around us, and how quickly we are able to restore our faith in ourselves.
I have a knack for attracting broken people into my life. I’ve been told I am like a beacon of hope for those that are suffering. While this is good in my line of work, in romantic relationships it is an entirely different story. I’ve often found myself linked up with a partner who has had no interest in healing old wounds, or any kind of awareness around how those parts of them infect other people. To be perfectly honest here, my previous partners have actually had ZERO awareness in regards to the shit storm they carried around with them from place to place.
Everyone has issues. Everyone has baggage. Some people manage it well. Some people choose to heal it. Some people choose to ignore the fact that they have work to do and pass their issues along to all those they come into contact with (it can’t be me, it must be you, attitude).
Not healing or dealing with your shit means you are going to carry it around to each and every new relationship you encounter, and you are going to bleed all over everything. Have you noticed patterns in past relationships? Perhaps things that seem to go wrong in each one that have incredible similarities? Those are your patterns… and they will continue to destroy things and wreak havoc for as long as they remain unmanaged.
How did I lose my magic – A bit of a broken back story.
Broken… but that’s where it all begins, isn’t it? There is so much beauty and wonder to be found within the fallen tears, sharp, jagged edges, and ashes that tore us down to bare bones only to allow ourselves to be reborn.
Simply put… I stopped believing in my own magic and it stopped believing in me. Like an angry Tinkerbell, she just up and left my stubborn ass. I don’t blame her. I would have left me too. You can only spend so much time trying to convince someone of their greatness and getting blatantly shut down before you get seriously frustrated and throw in the towel. I knew she hadn’t given up on me permanently, but I also knew she was pissed and had to take some time to re-evaluate her approach in trying to get me to open my eyes and find clarity.
She had to come up with another plan of action to TEACH me how to love myself again. She needed a new angle and I certainly wasn’t making it easy for her.
I could FEEL it slipping away from me.
It started as a string of less than ideal things happening in my life… but it was a rocky, toxic relationship that had me truly questioning everything about myself – my passions, my ethics, my purpose, my worth… my sanity, that pushed me over the edge. This relationship broke. me. down. to the point where I had no idea who I was anymore. He took me from feeling like the most loved and revered woman in the world to someone who questioned her role and place on this earth. Like a teeter-totter, I would rock back and forth between the good feelings and the “I don’t even know why I am here at all” feelings, sometimes multiple times a day. My closest friends knew it. They saw it. They tried to get me to open my eyes and see the relationship for what it was – toxic – but I wasn’t having any of it because all I saw were the moments when things were really, really good and in those moments, I forgot the rest.
I felt I had to dull my flame in order to fully serve my partner and allow him space and energy he needed to heal his major unhealed, old wounds. This was obviously a major mistake on my part. I redirected my healing energy from myself, who was in DIRE need of it at the time, to that which was continuously hurting me – I enabled him. I fed the fire. Upon creating my own mental and physical blocks around my magic, my life started to take a drastic, negative downward spiral and over the course of mere months, I felt myself slip further and further away from the ME I had come to know and love.
How’d I earn it back?
I made a conscious choice to remove the negative things in my life and take serious action towards finding my way again. Ending that life-sucking relationship was where I had to start. I had to cut the ties and walk away. I had to take my power back and regain my strength to start healing myself. I had to force him out of my life, despite the fact that all I wanted to do was “fix” him. (to all the healers out there… it’s not YOUR responsibility to fix or heal them… so please, for the love of god, please stop killing yourself trying)
Over the years, I have spent countless amounts of hours in tears and in physical pain over the anxiety I feel over losing my way. I’ve spent many nights crying my eyes out, praying to whichever god would listen, throwing my hands up in surrender, curled up on my kitchen floor, sobbing. I’ve seen therapists, energy healers, lightworkers, reiki practitioners. I started meditating, writing, and filling the voids in my life with things that I love and enjoy. It’s taken a hell of a lot of work. It’s been painful, frustrating, and to say it’s been challenging would be an understatement. I’ve read all the books. Applied all the knowledge. I’ve dug up childhood traumas and forgiven my aggressors in an attempt to heal those wounds.
The effort is endless.
I hate to break it to you though… This journey through healing will never end. This is a lifelong endevour and will change, grow, and evolve over time as you continue to learn about yourself and how to heal things properly.
I still cry – a lot. I still get overwhelmed and angry. I still get annoyed and frustrated with certain aspects of my life… but it’s all part of the process. I have to trust that and so do you. Things will NEVER be perfect. They may coast a little easier at times, but there will always be something hovering that can be worked on our tweaked.
Keep in mind… Everything we’ve gone through up to this point is preparing us for exactly what we have been asking for.
It’s ok to fall down and lose your spark, but when you rise to make sure you come back as the whole goddamn fire.
Fucking magic, baby.
I can tell you, I’ve been burnt and reborn from the ashes more times than I care to admit. Bonus for me, having an extensive and painful life experience as a writer is very important. I am grateful for the pain I’ve experienced in my life because it’s given me a shit ton of material to write about 😉
The moral of the story here is, we’re all fucked. We all have our issues. We all have major, massive, monumental healing to do. We all need to take a step back and turn our eyes on to ourselves and truly dive into what it is WE need as an individual to get better and BE better humans.
The truth of the matter is, the more inner work we do, the better the human we can become. This will benefit not only YOU on a significant level but also those around you. Imagine how relationships would improve without the constant nag of jealousy, bitterness, anger, greed, etc.
That being said, you’ve got to FEEL it to HEAL it so get your ass in gear and get to work. Here’s a hint… If you don’t want to talk about it or deal with it, or if it ignites feelings of guilt or shame, chances are you probably have some healing to do in those areas. Go see a therapist. Find support. Reach out. Read books. Just fucking do it and ask questions later.
In order to truly move forward with your life, you need to heal and let go of what is holding you back <3