Giving up

It’s a strange feeling when you just give up on a goal and it no longer becomes a priority for you.

Not defeat or sadness, just… done. Like, it’s over and I’m strangely ok and accepting of that.

I’m done with the lies, I’m done with the bullshit, I’m just done. I can’t handle anymore, and I shouldn’t have to.

I’ve wanted to settle down into a relationship and find my happily ever after for quite some time – I’m human, we all crave and deserve love and human connection. It was a priority for me for a long time. I felt like I’d been through enough shit, I’d paid my dues, I was ready.

At least, I thought I was ready….

I dated a guy recently that promised me the world, as they all do in the beginning. He said all the right things. I had convinced myself that he was legit, or rather he had convinced me with his smooth lies. So, despite my better judgement, I let my guard down.

Annnnd Boom.

It went from perfection to over in the blink of an eye. So quickly, actually, that I still don’t know wtf happened. I spent a few days reeling from the events. I combed through every conversation looking for the signs, trying to find where I went wrong. He went from telling me how grateful he was to have me in his life and how good I was for him, to not even giving me the respect of a phone call to talk about what was happening.

Thing is… I didn’t do anything wrong. He just wasn’t the one for me. I’m grateful that he showed me who he was nice and early though, it saved me from wasting any more time. He was removed from my life as quickly as he was placed in my life for what I believe to be, another lesson in boundaries, patience and heart break.

Sometimes people are removed from your life because the universe (or god, or whatever your preferred higher power goes by) heard conversations you didn’t and made moves because you wouldn’t. 

I know now that I’m just not ready. I’m too naive and trusting. I needed to get hurt one more time to fully open my eyes.

Honestly, I feel kinda sorry for the man that ends up being my ‘one,’ he’s going to have to hold my hand and walk with me through a lot of shit. He’s going to have to help me break guards that were placed due to all the pain that came before him. He’s going to have to help me heal and learn how to trust again. He’s going to have his work cut out for him and it’s not going to be easy. 

But, the right one for me won’t have a problem with any of this. 

Truth is, you’ll never be able to screw things up with the right one. The right one will see all your broken pieces and flaws and want to love you harder because of them. The right one will not leave you, run from you, or break your heart. They will come into your life when you least expect it and bring back hope and a belief in love again.

At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Whoever is meant to be in my life will inevitably make their way into my life and stay there. They’ll love me for me and they’ll stand by my side and help me work through all this shit in my head and communicate with me about relationship issues like an actual adult. I won’t be able to do or say anything to mess it up.

I never fully realized how hard this part of life would be. This “love” business. As I edge closer and closer to 40 still single, it all becomes very real. I see people all around me in happy and loving relationships and it makes me wonder what I did wrong to not have this too. I’m a good person who goes out of her way to do good onto others, I’m kind, caring and loving, etc., yet the karma gods feel I am undeserving of finding this connection at this time. Or maybe it’s that the people I encounter are undeserving of me 🤔

I never thought I was asking for much wanting to be loved by someone as much as I love them. I didn’t think it would be too much to ask. 

In today’s hookup culture, it is asking too much.

I don’t ask for much in a relationship, really… love and passion, loyalty, respect, lots and lots of sex. I don’t care what’s in your bank account, I don’t need your never ending attention, I want you to have your own life apart from me, you don’t need to spoil me with gifts, just love and affection when we are together. Communicate with me. Share your day with me. Experience and journey through life with me. Do weird shit with me, be weird with me, and get naked with me… often. 

I was never asking too much, I was just asking the wrong people.

One day that person will come into my life. One day, but not today and I’m finally ok with that. I’m finally ok with not holding space for anyone at this particular time. I’m ok with not searching or looking. I’m ok with being on my own. I’m ok with waiting and holding out for the right person for as long as I need to. I know  that when the right one does come along that I  will have so much love to give them. They may have their work cut out for them, but I can guarantee that in return they will get the purest form of love they’ve ever experienced.

Until then,

xo Shee

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