Dating In Your Thirties

We live in such a fast-paced culture. Immediate gratification is expected on almost every level of life from food to relationships – we expect it all, we expect the absolute best, and we expect it RIGHT NOW. We are quick to toss and quick to choose, but in reality, choosing someone to spend your life with should be one of the most well-thought-out processes you put your mind to. Relationships and connection take time to build. They take work. When you are merging two lives into one, you want to take the time to make sure everything is lined up. You need to consider all things, all angles. I find that some people are quick to make these decisions and jump into relationships too quickly because they are afraid of being alone. They are afraid that if they are “too picky” they’ll miss the boat on true love and end up an old spinster with 30 cats.

Petstages Tower of Tracks

Think about it, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, your forever person, you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with – dude, that is a LONG time. That’s a daily commitment to someone being all up in your business every day of your life for the remainder of your time on this planet. You want to make sure you’re doing it right. Plus, breakups fucking suck. Sometimes they can go seamlessly, but most of the time they are a shit show that brings out the absolute worst in people.

Why Do Ex’s Turn Savage?

I heard the other day from Kelsey Grant on her IGTV that her current boyfriend said that when choosing a partner, he also looks into what kind of ex they will make. While I think this is a great concept, I also think this is a little hard to gauge because you really never know what someone is capable of when pushed to their limits. I’ve seen many seemingly loving partnerships fall wayward and a completely new person emerges on the other end. Sometimes this person is kind, caring, and amicable, however, some come out demonic, cruel, and completely out of control with the sole intention of causing the other person harm. If infidelity or breach of trust is involved, this can be dangerous. In all honesty, you never know this about a person until they are in this situation. Pain changes people. Anger and resentment can come out in a multitude of ways. If your ex feels slighted, vengeful, or hurt in any way, claws most certainly will come out.

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We may believe that this person we just spent the better portion of our life with could never do such a thing, but they can… and they do. It happens all the time. Maybe I’m jaded here, but I find that people are generally out for themselves and themselves alone. They hav no problem throwing you to the wolves if it means they come out on top – or at least feeling like they’ve “won.”

Please understand this, cutting your losses on someone that doesn’t line up with your end goal is actually a really good thing. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but it is for the best, trust me. It obviously hurts to let them go, especially if you’ve already taken the time to harvest and build this relationship, but if you’re not energetically connected or lined up with your wants, goals, and desires in life, letting them go and moving on is a very good thing. Why? Because it opens you up to the right thing! Duh.

Relationship Goals.

This is your life. Nobody is going to make it for you, you have to make the decisions yourself to ensure that you are happy with how things turn out. At the end of the day, only you can make the choices as to the direction your life will take.

You are always one decision away from an entirely different life. Choose wisely.

Choosing a Partner.

Photo by PHUOC LE on Unsplash

You’ll want your goals to line up.

You need to be somewhat on the same page here. If your goals are completely different, there is going to be some tension later in life. If you both want different things, chances are things aren’t going to work out. Your best bet is to discuss long-term goals early in the relationship. Some goals that should be discussed are (and obviously not limited to) kids, living arrangements, retirement plans, financial goals, etc.

You want the same or similar work ethic and values as your partner.

If you plan on hustling for the next few years so you can retire early or work less later in life, maybe travel a lot, you are going to want to meet someone with the same goals. If you’re a high roller with big dreams, you probably don’t want to end up stuck with someone who’d rather veg out and waste away on a couch, not working, and not making any money or plans for the future. Know what I’m sayin’?

Do you want kids? Do you have kids? Do you want more kids?

Kids are a big deal. By your mid-30’s a good chunk of people have them. These kids can range anywhere for newborn to teenager and everything in between. Those that don’t have kids have either made the decision that they don’t want kids, period, or they are chomping at the bit to meet someone to have them with. If you’re one of those people that knows they don’t want kids, looking for a long-term commitment from someone who desperately wants them is probably not a good idea. You can imagine how this can cause stress in any relationship. If you know these goals early in the relationship, you can avoid the falling out later in life when you have more time, money and life invested in this person.

Yes, I understand things change as we move through life, but sometimes they don’t. Have the conversation early.

Know this… If you’re meant to be with that person, you’ll end up with that person. Otherwise, cut your losses and move on.

If you have kids, choose a partner that is good for AND with your kids, not one that just looks good on paper (ie. just because they’re financially secure doesn’t mean they are automatically a good fit for your kids mental health)

You created these little humans out of love, they are forged from your blood, they are mini versions of you, wouldn’t you want to ensure that you link up with someone who can offer a similar or the same energy as you can? Evaluate a potential partners attitude and behaviours before getting your kids involved, you owe them more than a fly-by-night relationship that comes with ANY level of uncertainty.

AKA. you better be damn sure of this new person before you make that introduction.

When kids are in the picture, dating takes on an entirely new role. You are not only looking for a partner for yourself, but you are also looking for someone that is going to compliment your life AND be able to build a healthy relationship with your child/ren. Being a step parent is HARD work. Kids can make things difficult, but if you choose someone who is a dick to your kids (and you know they are a dick to your kids) it can be so much harder. Also, first of all, wtf man!? second of all, maybe you need to reevaluate your priorities? Hint – it should be them.

Listen, if you choose to be with someone who treats your kids like shit and you are aware of it and choose to ignore it, you’re an asshole. Their mental health should trump your fear of starting over or being alone. Don’t be one of these people that forces their kids to suffer due to your own inability to make good decisions. #SorryNotSorry

Back to the whole dating process thing…

Let me clarify something here – wanting different things is perfectly ok!! Obviously, we have all heard the saying “opposites attract” and sometimes it does work, but sometimes that dynamic is too much and the differences become more of a hindrance than anything else. Evaluate your priorities and what you are willing to bend the rules on. Keep in mind this is your life and your decision, and these decisions can potentially effect the rest of your life. Kids, for example, it’s a tough one to bend for. If you want kids and decide you don’t want them because your current partner doesn’t want them, well, it’ll end up causing a lot of resentment and listen, them child-bearing years only last so long.

You WILL meet someone who is on the same page as you. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT settle into a relationship with someone, become complacent, and forego your own wants and needs just to appease someone else. This type of behaviour is pure breeding ground for hostility, resentment, and animosity – trust me on this one. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

You deserve to have everything you want in life.

You deserve to be treated properly and loved dearly.

Never for one second, let anyone make you believe you are not worthy of all the love you keep giving everyone else. You most certainly are. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise, it’s time to reflect on what that relationship actually means to you.

And finally, love yourself enough to walk away from people or situations that make you feel like you are unlovable.

Happy hunting <3
Shee

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