Dating in hookup Culture

What kind of fuckery is this? I did NOT sign up for this shit.

I wish I could pinpoint the time when dating went from chivalry, courtship, and romance to dick pics, hookups, and ghosting. We’ve come, as a society, to such disregard and little respect for one another, it’s no surprise that dating has taken such a hit.

Nobody really gives a shit anymore.

What about those people that aren’t all about the hit and run dynamic? The ones that are actually looking for substance, respect, and mutual understanding. Dare I say growth, longevity, and partnership? We’ve gone from people wanting to get to know one another to accepting that a hang and bang culture is the norm. Friends with benefits and zero commitment (so you can each sleep with other people, should the opportunity arise. Or you can bail when something “better” comes along with little obligation or repercussions) is the ideal form of relationship. Meeting with random strangers you swipe right to on an app for a quick physical release only to never speak to them again, is totally fine and widely accepted.

And we are doing this over and over again, with little to no success in finding someone with substance and validity.

We’ve come to a time in life where people would rather sleep with a random stranger or strangers they’ve just met on the internet over setting themselves up in a relationship with someone they’ve taken the time to get to know and understand.

What a time to be alive.

As a woman with an old soul and solid respect and desire for romance and chivalry (aka I still want to be wooed and swept off my feet), this culture is heartbreaking for me, I’d say it disgusts me if I was going to be dramatic about it. It’s menacing, daunting, triggering even. When traversing the terrain of online dating, be prepared for male ego explosions, unsolicited dick pics, harassment, lies, deceit, cover-ups, cheating, loose morals, heartleass encounters, fuckboys, married folks going behind their partners back, married couples seeking a third, and having someone build you up and make you feel like your something special to them, only to fuck and then dump you the very next day.

Those of us with big hearts, we love hard. The culture that we currently live in was not made for our type. Our type = those seeking an actual soulful connection that extends way beyond the physical aspect of a relationship. Yes, the physical attraction and connection is there and it’s a vital component, but without the soul connection, the encounter is menial and will leave you feeling a void and likely desiring more.

It feels… empty.

Sound familiar?

This… *gestures to everything* The fuck and dump, the hookups, the void of feelings and emotions, this mainstream way of doing things now goes against the soulful connection dynamic – the connection in which I believe society is needing, but entirely missing the mark on. The disconnect and complete disregard for soul connection are what is missing in so many relationships.

Call me old fashioned, but when I am dating someone, I actually want to get to know them as a person to not only learn if we are compatible but to get to know THEM as a person, all of them. I want to know the good, the bad, the ugly; all of that which makes them so uniquely special. When I ask questions about who you are, your family, your history, your likes and dislikes it’s not to fill the time, it is because I am genuinely interested in learning about what makes you, you. This learning process helps with the long term relationship part of things, but then again… gathering from experience, long-term isn’t exactly what people are looking for these days.

I’ll admit, there was a time when long-term wasn’t a thought process for me too. There was a time when I was totally fine with no commitment or strings, but you know what I did that is UNHEARD of these days… I ACTUALLY told the people I was talking to that THAT was what I was looking for. Transparency. Shocker, right? Sadly, a rarity in today’s dating world. I don’t know if it’s just that people are too afraid of hurting the other persons’ feelings – to their face because let’s be honest, they generally have no problem hurting their feelings when they ghost on them after talking to them daily for a couple of weeks. Ammi right?! – or they just don’t give a shit.

CONVENIENCE.

I think with the vast pool of available people at your fingertips and the “grass is greener” mentality, it makes it easier for people to lollygag around commitment. Honestly, though, the grass isn’t always greener, most of the time it’s just a filter and some mad photoshop skills. Dudes be confused when they show up for their dinner date and their Tinder like shows up without her dog ears on.

VARIETY.

Another thing that is worth mentioning here.

There is always going to be someone taller, slimmer, blonder, or kinkier. We have been conditioned with an “always something better” mentality. We are never happy with what we have. We are always striving for the next best thing. If we are strictly basing our relationships and dating experiences off of physical attributes and neglecting the connectedness part of things, we will always be striving for something different. We will always be looking for something different because there will always be a HUGE component missing. Make sense?

Having goals is great when it comes to life and accomplishments, but burning through women and men because you’re using them as stepping stones to get to what you consider to be the next best thing is fuckin rude. I know some phenomenal women who have had their hearts ripped out by men that had absolutely no business being with a woman of her quality – and usually over some sub-par, filtered-out woman because she was “more convenient.” It’s disheartening.

I would love to see more honesty from people. I know this is like wishing for world peace, meaning It’s never going to fucking happen, but imagine if it did. If people were actually open about what they wanted right from the start, or honest about what they thought. If they expressed themselves and spoke candidly without fear of repercussion or hurt feelings. I mean, obviously you need to be respectful and some people may need a little more sugar coating and gentleness, but not leading someone on or continuing to make them believe there was still hope when there is absolutely nothing there for you.

What if, instead of just blocking, deleting or ignoring them suddenly after speaking for days or even weeks, you let them down gently with a simple message or phone call. I know it sucks, but a quick message saying you don’t think it’s going to work, for whatever reason, is a much more respectful act of kindness than just ghosting on them and leaving them hanging with their thoughts of, “what the fuck just happened.”

“Hey, I’ve really enjoyed chatting with you these past couple weeks, but I don’t think it’s going to work between us. I think you’re really great, but not the one for me.”

Boom.

Done.

Thank you, next.

Was that really all that hard?

At that point, feel free to discontinue the conversation. Delete, block, or whatever you feel the need to do. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, you should offer one when there are hearts and feelings involved and you both spent time building up to that point, but you said your piece and expressed yourself. You were honest, you didn’t just bail. It’s much more respectable.

People are more comfortable putting a stranger’s genitals in their mouth over hurting their feelings.  Like, you will literally eat ass, but you don’t have it in you to tell someone you’re not interested.

Communicate your damn intentions.

Yes, I’ve hovered over the send button on a few occasions with those messages, my heart in my throat, worried about how the other person is going to take it. It’s hard, you feel bad about hurting them, I get it… well, it’s hard when you have feelings and emotions and understand how fragile the heart and ego can be (maybe that’s just the empath in me), but it’s important and believe it or not, you will both get over it and move on like it never even happened.

I’ve ghosted on people.

Yup. Me. Anti-ghoster. I’ve ghosted AND I’ve been ghosted on – more times than I care to admit. I’ve seen and experienced both sides of the coin. Both sides suck, but one side carries far less guilt (and karmic debt-load, but I won’t get into that here.) Although, I’ve often wondered if the people that I’ve had ghost me actually care about what they had done. Sadly, I’ve been with some pretty sketchy, douchey dudes and I would be shocked to learn if they actually gave a shit at all after they bailed. I understand that says a lot about the type of men I go for, but I‘m aware of that and I am working on changing things – this awareness and “type-shift” comes with a lot of self-work, reflection, and healing. When you learn to love yourself, your taste in men changes. If you have patterns of attracting fuckboys, I highly recommend it!

At the end of the day, whoever you burn through – it is what it is. You will end up who you end up with. The universe has a way of delivering what’s meant for you, eventually. Sometimes who you end up with is actually your karma for all the wrongdoings you’ve put others through up to that. Let that sink in and let that ruminate for a bit.

We generally have a lot of lessons to learn and frogs to kiss before we are able to get swept up into our prince/ss. Trick is doing so with as much candidness and authenticity as you can manage.

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts an opinions on this piece.

Cheers.

Shee
Xo

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