I stand firm in my beliefs that when you are in a relationship, you should each maintain your lives outside of your relationship. I don’t mean to lead double lives, I just mean that you should carry on with the YOU that you built before you became an US. I say this and I believe in this, but I haven’t been able to uphold it. You see, I tend to attract men that need re-assurance and mass amounts of emotional support, men with trust issues and who are possessive, basically, men who need another mother. I start out strong, but over time their insecurities start to wear me down and make me feel like I need to conform to their wants and needs and let my wants and needs go. It became easier to just stop doing what I wanted to avoid an argument or a breakdown.
My one ex would get anxiety around me going out with friends or for business meetings, so I eventually stopped going out because I didn’t want to stress him out or feel like I was hurting him, yet he had no problem leaving me every other weekend, turning his phone off and disappearing for 2 days. Turns out he was off with his buddies doing coke, drinking himself into a stupor and hiring prostitutes off Backpage (but he never actually did anything with them… he just “watched.” Or so he says… ). It took me 18 months to finally kick him out. EIGHTEEN fucking months of hell, chaos and heartbreak every other weekend. Eighteen months of me sacrificing my own feelings in order to protect his. The end nearly killed me. I’ve never felt pain like the pain I felt when I put my needs and feelings ahead of his. I felt physical pain in my heart when I finally built up enough strength to confront him and kick him out. I wanted so badly for that relationship to work. I wanted so badly to”fix” him and give him the love he needed to change his ways that I completely pushed my own wants and needs aside. I left my own self respect at the door in order to try and protect him. He was a sensitive and emotional being who battled daily with his anxiety and flirted with depression. He blamed all these insecurities and bi-monthly ‘episodes’ on his “anxiety.”
My last ex did not understand why I wanted or needed time away for him or time alone. He felt that because he was totally fine with spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with me that I should be fine with it too. He felt that because he didn’t require alone time or time away from me that I would want the same. After a lot of work and explaining, he eventually said he was fine with it and encouraged me to go out and do things on my own (yoga was my primary objective), but when I did he would message me the entire time and be a total dick when I came home. As you can imagine, this inevitably lead to our demise. I wanted space to work on ME, he didn’t understand or respect that fact. Little did I know how destructive that would turn out to be. We eventually decided on a break. He moved out of my place and into the basement of his ex-wife (yup, you read that right… he moved back in with his ex-wife). I told him the arrangements most likely wouldn’t go over well with me as I’ve developed trust issues over the years and having him live with another woman didn’t sit well with me, but I would give it my best shot. It didn’t work, obviously.