Being single may be the best option

Being Single
After ending yet another shitty and chaotic relationship, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am better suited alone. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the partnership and companionship, or that I am selfish, I feel it is as though I don’t know how to love properly. I’m a bad partner. I give so much of myself that I end up losing myself along the way. This is never a good thing in a relationship.

I stand firm in my beliefs that when you are in a relationship, you should each maintain your lives outside of your relationship. I don’t mean to lead double lives, I just mean that you should carry on with the YOU that you built before you became an US. I say this and I believe in this, but I haven’t been able to uphold it. You see, I tend to attract men that need re-assurance and mass amounts of emotional support, men with trust issues and who are possessive, basically, men who need another mother. I start out strong, but over time their insecurities start to wear me down and make me feel like I need to conform to their wants and needs and let my wants and needs go. It became easier to just stop doing what I wanted to avoid an argument or a breakdown.

My one ex would get anxiety around me going out with friends or for business meetings, so I eventually stopped going out because I didn’t want to stress him out or feel like I was hurting him, yet he had no problem leaving me every other weekend, turning his phone off and disappearing for 2 days. Turns out he was off with his buddies doing coke, drinking himself into a stupor and hiring prostitutes off Backpage (but he never actually did anything with them… he just “watched.” Or so he says… ). It took me 18 months to finally kick him out. EIGHTEEN fucking months of hell, chaos and heartbreak every other weekend. Eighteen months of me sacrificing my own feelings in order to protect his. The end nearly killed me. I’ve never felt pain like the pain I felt when I put my needs and feelings ahead of his. I felt physical pain in my heart when I finally built up enough strength to confront him and kick him out. I wanted so badly for that relationship to work. I wanted so badly to”fix” him and give him the love he needed to change his ways that I completely pushed my own wants and needs aside. I left my own self respect at the door in order to try and protect him. He was a sensitive and emotional being who battled daily with his anxiety and flirted with depression. He blamed all these insecurities and bi-monthly ‘episodes’ on his “anxiety.”

I understand that there are some serious mental health concerns these days, but using them as an excuse to be an asshole is entirely unacceptable.

My last ex did not understand why I wanted or needed time away for him or time alone. He felt that because he was totally fine with spending 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with me that I should be fine with it too. He felt that because he didn’t require alone time or time away from me that I would want the same. After a lot of work and explaining, he eventually said he was fine with it and encouraged me to go out and do things on my own (yoga was my primary objective), but when I did he would message me the entire time and be a total dick when I came home. As you can imagine, this inevitably lead to our demise. I wanted space to work on ME, he didn’t understand or respect that fact. Little did I know how destructive that would turn out to be. We eventually decided on a break. He moved out of my place and into the basement of his ex-wife (yup, you read that right…  he moved back in with his ex-wife). I told him the arrangements most likely wouldn’t go over well with me as I’ve developed trust issues over the years and having him live with another woman didn’t sit well with me, but I would give it my best shot. It didn’t work, obviously. 

After this last relationship failure, I inevitably came to the conclusion that I was done with any external love interests. My need to focus on myself, my need to be a better person for not just me, but for my kids, outweighs my need for companionship of the opposite sex. I’m perfectly ok with this arrangement. Actually, I quite enjoy it.
I can’t say that I won’t eventually miss the companionship of a man, I mean they are good for some things. I can’t say that I won’t eventually get lonely. A woman had needs and as much as I may try to ignore them, we all know its impossible to ignore them for too long.
I’m a single lady.
I’m a mama to 3 incredible kids.
I work hard.
I love hard.
I am working my ass off to build a life I can be proud of.

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