I think it’s safe to say that many of us have done this and some of us are more than likely currently doing this. You’ve sacrificed your own happiness to keep your partner / friend / family member happy and/or attempt to save the relationship. By save, I mean white knuckle cling to something, be it a relationship, a job, a friend, a family member, that you know is failing or not right for you, but you’re trying really hard to make it work because you. Just. don’t. want. to. fail.
- You’re unhappy.
- You’re sad.
- You’re lonely.
- Your confidence is gone.
- You have a hard time finding joy in day to day life.
- When you are around a particular person, you feel depleted, like they’ve sucked all the energy out of you.
We are only on this planet for a limited amount of time. We need to make the most of the time we do have. We do not get a do-over! If you know that things are not working, or they don’t stand a chance, or you just don’t want to fucking deal with it anymore – what are you waiting for?
Is saving this relationship worth sacrificing your energy, your happiness, your joy AND the limited amount of time you have on this planet? This relationship is causing you stress, resentment, anger and sadness, right? Seriously, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Do you have any idea what that stress is doing to your body? I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t good!
Note: You can love someone with all your heart and with every fiber of your being and still not be meant for each other. Sometimes pieces don’t fit together as nicely as we had hoped. We are human after all, not puzzle pieces.
Have you exhausted all your options to save this relationship?
Are BOTH parties willing to work on the issues at hand? And by BOTH, I mean are BOTH of you open to and willing to try various suggestions and alternative therapies, not just YOU telling the other person all the things they need to change to make this work. If things are one-sided, this process is going to be difficult and very frustrating for you. Have you ever tried to feed a toddler something they want nothing to do with? It’s messy. It’s gross. It can be very annoying.
You can’t force someone to change their ways or force them to do things differently JUST because you want them to. They must have an inherit need to want to do it themselves. Having someone that barks orders at you all day long about how you should be doing things is never fun. If someone feels as though they are being forced to perform a certain way, over time they will begin to resent both you and the relationship.
We all have differing views and opinions. What may seem like an absolute deal breaker to you can be a, ok whatever to someone else. COMMUNICATE. Get on the same page.
“you know what, that thing you do where you ignore me while you’re out with your friends all night. That really makes me upset and makes me feel like you don’t respect me.” ~ maybe they didn’t even realize they were doing this. Or maybe they did and they just don’t think of it as a priority like you do.
Does being in this relationship or being around this person make you feel confident, alive, vibrant, supported, loved?
Being in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) with someone that is a good fit for you means you should feel ALL of these things, not all at once and not 100% of the time obviously, but you most certainly should feel these things most of the time through varying degrees. If you are not feeling confident, alive, vibrant, sexy, supported, and loved, then how ARE you feeling? Does being around this person make you feel love and joy? Do you feel fulfilled and wanted or needed?
Are you wholeheartedly willing to accept the love this person is giving you, right now, in this moment, for the rest of your life?
If you are constantly saying things like:
- things will get better when…
- once he stops doing this, things will…
- as soon as I get to this point in my life, he will love me more…
- Once I lose these 10lbs…
- S/he’ll pay more attention to me when…
This is NOT accepting the love of this person in the moment. This is accepting their love if / when THEY decide to change. This is not the same thing as meeting someone where they are.
It’s ok to remove toxic people from your life.
It’s ok to say no.
It’s ok to say enough is enough.
It’s ok to put your needs first in order to save your life / sanity / direction.
At the end of the day, you’re just two incredible people trying to make things work in a world where when something breaks, we throw it out. This isn’t always a bad thing. If this relationship isn’t working and you feel sad, lonely, depressed and isolated or alone, you need to seek help and / or set yourself free – this is a toxic relationship and it’s not serving you.
I clung to my last relationship with all my might, hoping that I could pull the proper feelings to the surface to make it work. It took me a few months, but I realized that I just couldn’t do it. The relationship wasn’t for me. There were things that came up that didn’t sit well with me and I couldn’t shake them – that’s intuition. It never lies. I wasn’t happy in various aspects of the relationship and it stressed me out more than anything. What stressed me out the most, I believe, was the fight to try and make it work when I knew it wouldn’t. It eventually wore me down until I no longer felt like me anymore. I see this happen ALL the time. So many people are settling into relationships or hanging onto friendships that they have no business holding on to.
- Ponytails & messy buns
- Shitty relationships
- Parallel parking
Trust me when I tell you that being alone is better than FEELING alone when you are with someone.
Being alone is better than WANTING to be alone when you are with someone. Wanting time and space on your own is normal and totally understandable, we all need time and space, but when you don’t want to be around them EVER… clearly there are issues that need to be addressed.
Being alone is better than being stressed out and unhappy all the time, truuuuust me on this one. Like I said, we only have a limited amount of time on this planet, do you really want to spend what time you do have wasting away in a pool of sadness and pity? I didn’t think so. Buck up sweetheart. Put your big girl boots on, clear the negative self-talk out of your head and….
Evaluate your relationship. You need to understand what value this relationship is bringing to your life. If all it does is bring you sadness, bitterness, resentment, and anger you need to GTFO ASAP.
Do what you can to try and fix things. I’m not saying you should bail out at the first on-set of issues. We all have issues. I’m talking about long term psychological effects and mental and emotional supportive requirements here. If you are married and have been for some time, take some time to try and mend things by taking the steps listed in this post. Remember, I’m not a therapist. I’m a coach, mentor and an empathic woman who knows very well what bad relationships look and feel like. I’m not a professional.
Make sure your partner / friend is on the same page as you. If you decide you want to muster all your strength to fix all the wrongs in these relationships, then do it!! Make sure the other person knows what’s going on though… Like I said, you can’t expect them to change on a whim. You’re going to have to do this together!
Implement said changes. Once you figure out what needs to be done to fix things, do those things. Put the effort in to try and make it work. Never half ass these things. Always use your FULL ass, it works much better that way.
If it doesn’t work and you’ve exhausted all your options and you are STILL unhappy, maybe it’s time you accept the fact that it may be time to let things go. If ending things ends up being your only option here, then it is what it is. Someone is going to get hurt, regardless of how “clean” the break was.
Most importantly, BE HONEST. Tell the true. Stay faithful. Be loyal. Don’t cheat. Don’t lie. Just don’t be an asshole, there are enough of them in this world.
I’m not going to tell you things will be easy. They won’t be.
I’m not going to tell you that you won’t struggle. You will.
You will be happier.
You will be free.
You will feel like a new woman.
It may not happen over night, but it will eventually.
And then, if, even after you have exhausted all your options and you take a break and you STILL end up back with your partner or that friend or family member… then maybe you were meant to be together after all. Either way, if the effort was put in on both sides and you’re not falling back into the relationship out of loneliness, desperation or bribery… then all the power to you and cheers to your happily every after, my friend.
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