I had one of the hardest days of my sober journey yesterday. My anxiety was through the roof. I was scared, I felt alone. I was consumed with fear. I wanted a drink more than I’ve ever wanted a drink before in my life. My hands were shaking. My head was spinning. I was jittery. I was up all night the night before – tossing and turning, thoughts running like trains through my head. I was crumbling fast and I honestly didn’t think I was going to make it through the day without stopping at the liquor store.
The last few months have been heavy. Stress has been at an all time high. I’ve been feeling a little lost, misdirected and confused about my future. Work has been weighing heavy on me. Dating has been challenging to say the least. I’ve been working my way through family court with my ex. General life challenges as a single mom of 3. Managing finances. It all adds up. Even the strongest foundation is bound to crack eventually.
I’ve spent the last few months doing a lot of internal work, reflection and healing. The reason I stopped drinking 4 months ago was so that I could focus on myself and do the work to heal soul and my old wounds. I’ve always used alcohol to numb out my pain and avoid the issues that needed to be addressed. Alcohol has been my go-to to help ease my pain and reduce my suffering for many, many years. I did this, just as many others do, knowing full well that numbing it away was never going to stop the pain or suffering, it would just prolong it and save it for later.
If you don't heal your old wounds, you'll bleed on everyone you try to build a relationship with.Click To Tweet
I’ve had major issues with men since childhood – it all started with my Dad and continued and followed me all the way into adulthood. Now that I am a 35 year old woman, I still don’t have any idea, aside from Hollywood, what a solid, healthy romantic relationship is supposed to look like. I’ve had very few positive male role models in my life. Honestly, there have been two non-toxic men in my life. That being said, the fact that I’ve always attracted the wrong men into my life should be obvious. I’ve had zero positive influence in that area.
“You stop attracting certain people into your life when you heal the parts of you that you thought needed them.”
I had hoped that the healing work I’ve been doing over the last few months would fix the parts of me that needed these men. I’d hoped that the healing would mean that I would stop attracting these toxic relationships into my life.
I was a little off in my calculations of timing.
I’ve had experiences with a few men over the last few months that reinforce the fact that I still have a lot more work to do. I’m still drawing in the wrong men – the same broken, angry, lost and confused souls that have denied their own personal healing. The same men that take their old wounds and bleed all over every new relationship they come into contact with.
I’m still being served lesson after painful lesson.
The most recent experience was the final blow that pushed my anxiety and self-doubt over the edge. He took the time to line everything up perfectly between us before swiftly pulling the rug out from under me in typical asshole fashion. We hadn’t been talking all that long, but we were aligned on more levels than I could count. The similarities were all there. The signs were all pointing to a resounding yes. So naturally, I thought this one was a good match – quite literally everything was perfect. Perfect.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
This experience has caused me to not only doubt myself, but also doubt my intuition, my faith, and my guides. As a spiritual women who relies heavily on messages and signs from the universe and my guides, having doubt in them is a very. Big. Deal.
Normally I’m pretty good at reading the energy off people. This experience has taught me that I can read energy off people I am not involved with, but when it comes to potential partners or people I’m attracted to, my radar goes out the fucking window. My heart is so desperately trying to find the love she keeps giving everyone else, that she gives it to anyone who gives her even the slightest sprinkle of hope.
So that being said, this experience, or rather the accumulation of experiences over the last few months, on top of all the stress in my daily life, as well as the first day of Mercury retrograde, I was pushed a little further than I was anticipating.
I was tittering on the edge of a breakdown.
I wanted to curl up in my bed with a bottle of wine and drink all the pain away. I wanted it all to stop. I was ready to give up.
One thing about healing, is that it’s fucking hard. It’s hard to face your problems head on. It’s dirty, messy work that takes a lot of balls. The easy route is to push it away and numb it out. That’s what I used to do. That’s what most people do, but I made the conscious decision to not do that anymore. I made a commitment to myself and I need to honour that to the best of my ability.
Asking for help.
I don’t usually reach out. I typically prefer to suffer in silence. Alone. I don’t like people to see the messy sided of me. I prefer to maintain the image of perfection. I don’t like putting my burdens on others, I feel like I am inconveniencing them. I know this is the wrong way to think, especially as a mental health advocate who encourages others to be open and candid about their struggles.
I reached out to a couple good friends yesterday. I told them I was suffering… hard. I told them I was on the edge, I was in pain, I needed help. I told them I felt like a failure and I didn’t want to do this anymore. I opened up and I let them see the not-so-perfect side of me. They didn’t care how messy I was. All they saw was my pain. They saw my pain and suffering and they helped me love it away. Between the two of them, I was able to take a couple steps back from the edge and take a deep, refreshing breath of fresh air.
They filled me with love and faith. They restored my faith in humanity, in love and in friendship.
If it wasn’t for them, I’d be hungover today.
I can’t even begin to express how important it is to have people around you that you can turn to in times of need.
If it wasn’t for my little village yesterday I would not only be hungover, but I’d also be filled with guilt and shame. Even though I’m still in pain today, I am not suffering quite as much. I feel relieved that I made it through that crazy trainwreck of emotions and I am proud of myself for staying strong and standing up to my demons. I a grateful for the amazing people I have in my life, for their endless amounts of love and support.
You truly discover who your real friends are when you’re in need of help. They are the ones that stand by your side and help adjust your crown without telling anyone it was crooked.